You never hurt me physically, but you didn’t need to. The emotional scars you left are my worst nightmare.
You have to look closely or else you might miss them. They appear when I hear your name. They show up when I think they have gone for good. My face will show a shadow of pain that I will hide at all costs.
I was afraid to do anything wrong and you knew you had that power over me. I would clearly not do the things that I knew would bother you. I was becoming the girl you wanted me to be.
I thought my ex before you was my soulmate, but as time went on things were happening in my life that were out of my control, and I was not the happy, energetic person I used to be. I wanted to be everything he needed and I couldn’t, so I left.
Then I met you. Too quickly, too impulsively, we started dating. I had lost so much of who I was that I was desperate for anything to make me happy (even superficially). I let you in too quickly, I let you have all of me.
Luckily for you, you were looking for someone who would give up everything. But you needed so much that I was quickly drained again. I was even more lost and confused. I knew what a real, functioning relationship was and this was not it.
I constantly felt overwhelmed by you. I couldn’t figure out what was causing my depressed, and anxious mood swings and I thought it was me who was impairing our relationship. Little did I know, it was the exact opposite.
When I found my opportunity to exit, I took it. It took much longer than it should have, but I am fortunate it ever came. I felt like I had drowned in the emotional distress, the constant fighting, the sickening turbulence on an endless flight.
I was an empty shell of the girl that loved life, laughing, and making other people laugh. I was bitter, resentful, and cold. I had unintentionally become like you and I refuse to ever be that person again.
It took months to remember how to be myself. I forgot what self-care and self-love were. I forgot how to be independent and be alone. I wasn’t lonely though. I was more lonely when we were together.
I strengthened relationships that faltered during our time together, I created new friendships that would have never prospered with you around. I remember being with my friends and thinking, “Is this really how happy normal people are all the time?”
And although I have healed, scar tissue is a tough son of a bitch. It is ugly, and it stands out like a sore thumb. I am not proud of these scars, but I am learning to be proud of how I prevented any new wounds.
Now I barely bat an eye thinking of you. You are hardly a blip on my radar. But as any broken heart knows, we remember our lessons for a reason.
