Deep down I know that I have to move on. I know that whatever we had, it wasn’t built to last. But I guess there was always a sliver of my heart that thought we’d grow old together, that we’d have a family and a bright future. It didn’t work out like that though, life had other plans for us.
Now, when I start missing you I know I shouldn't. Because you don’t want me back. I just have to keep telling myself that you don’t even miss me like I miss you.
But admittedly, it’s much easier to say that than really follow through and do it. Because now you’re gone and it’s over and I have to keep my head up.
And believe me, some days, missing you is distant.
Sometimes, I don’t think about your laugh, your smile, what it would feel like to still tell you about my day, to fall asleep in your arms. But that’s the thing about you. I never really stood a chance. I fell in love with you without reason, without hesitation.
My heart had already made up its mind that you were going to mean something. And now I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong.
I’m trying to make sense of all this, and fast, but honestly, I feel like I’m at a standstill.
Because I don’t blame you for leaving or for moving on because that’s the healthy thing to do. I’m not saying I hate you. I want you to be happy. I always have. If we are really being honest it's all I ever wanted. Even if it meant sacrificing my happiness.
But picturing you with someone else, knowing that she gets to love you like I did, kills me.
It’s the sad truth.
Even though my head is pleading with me to move on, to say goodbye and mean it, I just can’t seem to get my heart on the same page. So I’m sorry if I still call late at night and expect you to answer. I’m sorry if I wanted just a little more closure. I’m sorry for a lot of things.
Maybe it’s not so much about moving on and letting you go as it is about not wanting to have to forget you. Not wanting to watch my replacement with you.
But I have to be strong now because you taught me that I could get through anything with you by my side. Now I just have to relearn it all without and I know I can do it.
I have to remember that this is what you wanted.
I never thought you would stop fighting for me. And I never thought that I would have to let you go. I thought I was living some kind of epic love story and we were the main characters.
But maybe the love that we had was only meant to be temporary because it was so real. Even though I bet you hate to admit it, you know I’m right.
For now, I have to stop hoping that you’re going to come back into my life the way that you left it. I have to stop picturing us together for my own sanity.
As much as I would love to press rewind and go back to my happiest days, that’s not the way that the world works. Not even when we know that it could be so much more if we could grow together.
For now, I have to remind myself every day when I start to think about you and us, that you don’t miss me back. That you won’t ever miss me back, it’s a hard truth to swallow, but I know I need to.
Want more of Jamie? Like her on Facebook for more great content and to connect with writers behind this piece!
