I gave a narcissist my heart and I didn’t even realize it. He made me think I was crazy and pushed me to the point where I began to question my own sanity and that’s when I knew: I wasn’t with a healthy human being. He knew I loved him with my entire being and he felt he could get away with anything because of it.
The truth is, going into this relationship, I knew he was damaged. I knew about his past and the rumors and the warnings to not get involved with him, but I looked passed it all. I saw a flawed man in need of unconditional love and support to help him through. I saw a person who was rejected constantly, with heartbreaking stories of all the pain he’s suffered in his life.
I always found myself giving in and accepting his apologies and excuses because my heart was too big to turn him away. I built an illusion fantasy of what I thought we could be, I was so naïve to believe his lies. I began to feel the need to show him I loved him and cared for him, that he just needed constant reassurance that I wouldn’t leave. So I stayed thinking he would change for me. I thought maybe, just maybe, my love would be able to fix him and if I loved his flaws a little extra, we’d make it through this. But that’s impossible when all the “flaws” add up to narcissistic behaviors.
It took me too long to realize that just being around him brought out the worst in me. I was weak, hyper self-conscious, and unhappy but refused to admit it.
He changed me in ways I never imagined changing. I was emotionally distraught waking up every morning with a knot in my stomach, terrified of what the day would bring. Constantly wondering, Is this the guy I really want to be with? Fight for? Is this the guy I see a future with? A companion, a best friend, a husband, a father?
But now I finally see the truth. He was a narcissistic, manipulative person who only cared about himself and didn’t give a crap about who he hurt along the way. He was a grown man playing the “victim,” allowing me to take blame for his actions, and relentlessly hiding behind his lies and deceit.
I wasted so much of my time on someone who was no good for me. Someone who in reality, didn’t have anything good to offer me. Someone who was dishonest, unloyal, and incapable of commitment.
He made me think I needed him, his mind games left me thinking I would be lost without him, that I didn’t know how to survive without him in my life. But now that I’ve finally cut him out of my life for good, I can see clearly again.
It’s been a long journey, but I finally see exactly the type of person I’m dealing with. I knew I had to make the decision to walk away for my own well-being and that’s exactly what I did. Even though I felt used and disappointed, I knew I could still bounce back from this. I knew after a toxic relationship like this I would only become stronger and learn more about myself than ever before. I am capable of so much, I can love someone and care for someone with every ounce of my being and that is something to be proud of. And now I know I have the strength to walk away from someone I love because it is unhealthy for my life.
And the one thing I won’t allow myself to do is hate him. Hate only brings more pain and I have endured enough of that already. I’m disappointed in the person I thought he was, in the man I thought he could be, but that is not a reflection of the person I am.
I am more than he ever will be. This is just another lesson in life learned and a closed chapter in my life.
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