Relationships are never perfect, no matter how much you love each other. There will always be ups and downs and misunderstandings, it’s just the natural flow of relationships. But ours was amplified by your depression. The highs felt like ecstasy, and the lows were way past rock bottom. It was a whirlwind of constantly shifting feelings and situations.
Now I am not writing this to throw blame or hate on you. I am writing this to tell you that despite the hardships we went through, and despite your roller coaster of emotions, I was still crazy about you.
I saw past your depression and the effects it had on you, me, and us. I saw the person I fell in love with, the perfect person that you couldn’t see for yourself because of your depression. I saw your flaws, but they never altered my feelings. Your flaws paled in comparison to the person you truly were and could become.
I wanted to be there by your side as you fight against your depression everyday. I wanted to be there to remind you of all that you were and capable of doing. I wanted to help silence your demons as best as I possibly could. And that was what I did.
When things were good, they were phenomenal. I felt like I was floating on top of the world with you and nothing could ever stand in our way. Me and you against the world, zombie apocalypse partners in crime. You loved me exactly as I wanted to be loved, and seeing a smile on your face was priceless. It felt as if it couldn’t get any better than that. I never wanted it to end.
When things were bad, I didn’t even recognize you or our relationship anymore. You were distant, you had severe mental breakdowns, and your view of reality around you became distorted. I knew it was your depression, and I stayed strong by your side as everything was crumbling down.
Your depression didn’t define you, and I knew it was just a temporary swing in your permanent condition. I know it was not something you could change or explain or stop, so I assured my love and support for you as you went through it. I did all I could do on my end to help.
Was it difficult? Absolutely. Was I willing to stay with you knowing that these ups and downs would never change? Yes.
But despite trying to love you with all I had in me, you pushed me away and did not love me. Nothing I did was good enough in your eyes, and even on my best days I did not live up to what you wanted.
I never asked anything of you, I never even wanted you to change. All I wanted was for you to love me back, but that in itself was too much.
It hurt me when you were complaining to other girls about me behind my back. It hurt me when my love was not enough to make you feel complete. It hurt me that you needed the validation of all girls to feel good about yourself. It hurt me when you kept telling me you either don’t love me or don’t love me enough. It hurt me when you tossed me aside like I was a complete stranger and inconvenience in your life.
And despite everything, I still stayed and still wanted to stay. I know depression makes you think and do things that you can’t control sometimes, so I never blamed you for any wrongdoings. I loved you at you worst, but you couldn’t even love me at my best.
I don’t blame your depression for the ending of our relationship or for what went wrong, but you did do me wrong time and time again and that was not okay. I cannot keep making excuses for you and using your depression as a reason to forgive you no matter what you did. Your lack of a moral compass compromised my self-worth, and that is why I am happy you let me go.
I wanted nothing more than to love you and be there for you everyday, but I cannot sit back and let you treat me like garbage in return. I don’t deserve that especially after everything I have done for you.
It’s not your depression that was the problem, you were just a f*cking asshole. So thanks for throwing me away so I can find someone who will love and appreciate me.
