“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around. I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down. And it's taking me this long baby but I figured you out.”- Taylor Swift
There are very few girls out there who are willing to put themselves through what seems like Dante’s Inferno to wait for a guy, very few people in general. However I am a glutton for punishment, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, or one matter in particular; you.
I’m sure people have agreed to do less for others, and I'm pretty sure people have done less for you.
When you're waiting for what seems like the impossible, like deciding which numbers to choose in hopes of winning the lottery. That is what it feels like waiting for a person to see that the person they should be with has been standing in front of them the entire time.
It's like screaming at someone right in front of you and having them stare through you, like you're not even in the room.
You see even when my friends are encouraging me to move on, basically pushing me towards every single guy out there that smiles at me, I just can't do it. They have been pushing me to move forward, leave you in the past, because that’s where you’ve left me, but as much as I've tried, and believe me I have, I can't do it.
I learned something about heartache, it doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t leave anyone out. It's also especially hard on those who give and give and expect nothing in return.
We all feel it differently, but there’s no stopping it from coming. Love isn’t felt the same by everyone and let me tell you a hard lesson, 95% of the time it isn’t reciprocated.
There are nights that I can remember vividly, snapshots of something simple as you kissing my forehead and I knew that I was screwed because I realized I was going down that path, quickly and I couldn't stop it.
I found myself falling down the rabbit hole, spiraling into something I knew could be dangerous for me. You see I'm the girl who loves with all she's got and when I find someone who I think is deserving of that love, I have a hard time of holding back, which is bad because I know better.
The girl with the big heart, who has been attempting to protect herself was slowly unwinding, the bricks were coming down and the scariest part was I didn’t know if you’d be there to catch me.
However when you’d smile, call me beautiful and pull me close my heart would start to race, I would catch myself having to remind myself to breathe and I knew I was in so much trouble.
I fell in love with you despite it all, even though you have told me several times not to tell you that, or that I don’t really love you.
Though there is a huge difference between you and me, I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel despite what could happen.
Perhaps the thought of someone loving you actually scares the hell out of you, because you’re not used to it. Perhaps because you're so used to every other girl treating you like crap, you block yourself from feeling anything or letting someone feel something about you.
However we’re at a crossroad, it’s not that I don’t love you and that I don’t want to be with you because I do. Despite it all I still care about you, and think that there is a reason we were brought together and there is also a reason why I can't just let go.
Though a person can only take so much defeat, can only pull you in when you push so far. It's like magnets flipped the wrong direction and they are constantly in a battle of trying to pull the other way, one really wants the two to attach but the other just doesn't see the ease in that, it has to be difficult and continue pulling the other direction.
A girl can only cry so many tears before she has to wake up to a harsh reality that I am good for you but you’re not good for me.
I’m not the girl who gives up or stops fighting for what she wants. I give people so many chances even if they don’t really deserve them because deep down I want to see the good in everyone. I believe that every one makes mistakes, and has flaws and that's what makes them unique, it's what makes them human.
See despite my friends telling me that I deserve better and that it’s your loss and that one day you’d realize that you let a fantastic girl slip through your grasps and I will have found someone who treats me the way I deserve, I kept fighting for you.
Let me tell you something, the second time someone tells you that you have to stop seeing each other hurts worse than the first. It's like reopening a wound, and a slap to the face at the same time. It leaves you dumbfounded and questions your judgement and feelings.
Walking away from you that night was one of the hardest decisions I've made, and it isn’t because I didn’t want to be there with you because I did. I wanted to fall asleep next to you.
Watching you walk away and not even turn back and look at me while tears were streaming down my face nearly broke me. I waited for you to turn around, to just stop for a second and remember that I was a person but you didn't.
I wanted you to come after me, and you didn't.
It was a tough awaken, though let me tell you the hardest part will be staying away from you. The weekends will be the worst, because I won’t have work to distract me and I’ll be in places that will remind me of you. I'll have to remind myself that you decided we weren't good together.
Like lyrics from the song that always comes across my playlist at the worst times reminding me that "I’d always be willing to cross that line cause I’d miss your touch.”
I’ll catch myself around the same time, late at night after a few shots of tequila pulling out my phone and probably typing a simple, “hey” and I’ll need to delete it.
Though I already know there will be nights that I won't be able to control myself, and since I overthink everything my messages will probably come through as novels which will probably cause some mild irritation on your end.
I know I need to pull myself from this cycle, even when I miss something simple as a hello or a small touch.
It take’s a hell of a lot to get a good woman to give up on someone that she’d do anything for, someone she respects and thinks highly of, more importantly someone she loves.
They say however, if you love someone sometimes the best thing you can do is set them free.
So that is what I’m doing.
There may come a time when I won’t have to skip the song that we decided was ours on my playlist, or that when I walk by the bar on the weekends I won’t wonder if you’re in there and I won't want to pop my head in and see if you've replaced me.
You held me like a puppet, with the ability to pull the strings when ever you feel me slipping away, however I made the first step in cutting those ties by walking away from you, and it wasn't just for me but also for you.
If I ever cross your mind I hope you realize how much I really just wanted you to be happy, and I wanted to share that adventure with you. I also don't hate you, I couldn't even if it would make this so much easier and that I miss the good days.
I want you to know that you are deserving of so much more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve to be loved, without pushing it away. I also hope you know, no I need you to know that I really did love you and that isn't going to change.
It's okay though because I understand that it's a lost cause because you can't admit you had feelings for me, or even that you're capable of feeling that much or allowing someone to feel that way towards you.
I hope one day you realize this, but I have to let you go, because despite loving you with no strings attached, you were unable to see everything you had in front of you.
"It's time to let him go. The way that he kissed, smiled and smelled. You have to let it go. The way his hands felt on your waist, the way he said your name, you have to let it go. Because that's who he was, not who he is."
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