For years it went on. I pretended that it didn't bother me. Everyone thought that you and I had a strong marriage, one that was built to last. We worked through your separation from your previous wife, worked through you kissing her although we were a serious couple. I supported you through your divorce, through your self medicating with antidepressants and pain pills. I supported you through the child custody battle, through sobriety, and even remained faithful when you left me for months, only coming over for sex. I came back each time you kicked me out, even that time I was forced to go home. I came back each time. We worked through all that, so it was assumed we had a strong marriage. Through all that though, I lost who I was, and you made a choice that I wasn't worth putting effort into. You were contempt with making sure your needs were met, since I could meet my own. Regardless, we did have a very stable marriage.
Then we moved. We bought this extravagant, beautiful home together. Somewhere that your children could call home, with a spare room that we could use for a baby. We bought bigger family cars to prepare for the glorious day I could run up to you with tears in my eyes proclaiming that I was pregnant. Thousands of dollars spent on fertility treatments and tests, appointments that I went to by myself 90% of the time and almost 2 years later and that day still hasn't come. I think it was God's divine intervention to keep us childless.
You reminded me of that the night I told you I had an affair.
I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am. There's not much I can say in the form of an apology to take that hurt or devistation of my sins away. After a lot of conversations, fighting, crying, praying, etc. a question still plagues me…why? Why did it take so long, and for me to do the unspeakable to make you realize that you had neglected me? Why are you now trying to make it up to me? Why didn't you listen when I told you I needed you, I wanted you to spend time with me, make love to me. Why? I always put you and your children above me, because that's what a respectable woman does. I sacrificed so that your family had what they wanted, needed, and desired. Not only did none of you ever once say "thank you," but you also never stopped to think about what I was requesting. I said what I needed, I begged for it, pleaded, tried to bargin, threat, everything. You lost that part of me that had loved you in those ways.
Then it happened. Another man came and gave me what I was looking for from you. If I said I wanted him to do something, he did it. He never told me no, at least until his conscious kicked in. Then I screwed up again, I began to have feelings for him, a big no-no in the world of adultry. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. My heart says he felt something for me too, but my brain is telling me to stop with the wishful thinking, because no one could ever like me, much less love me again.
Now I'm struggling with how to proceed with my life. Do I let you love me, and try to find the love that I've lost for you? What do I do? I still love you very much, and I do not want to start over with someone new and learn all about them while they learn about me. I don't want to experience heartbreak. You are a sure thing. Do I leave and see if my 'partner in crime' would give it a whirl with me? What if he doesn't like me, and my brain is right. Now besides my question to you…why, I'm questioning myself, what do I do?
My question by far is harder to answer than yours.
