I miss you, I miss the fucking shit out of you. And it takes everything in me to fight the tears when I see your picture or hear your name. My heart can’t handle it and quite frankly, I don’t know if it’ll ever be able to.
There’s no explanation, there’s no ignoring it – I just know that you’ll always be the one person I wish was still mine. No matter what, you are still the first person I want to tell when exciting news happens. The one person I want to share with all of my future hopes and dreams with and hear all about yours.
And I don’t know what to do with that.
I hate it. I hate that some small part of me won’t fully let me walk away from you. I hate that the absolute second I feel like I’m finally getting over you, I accidentally stumble across an old photo of us or your name pops up on my screen. It’s like you know just when I start to maybe, possibly, move on and it get sent 3 steps back.
I have gone through every stage of heartbreak and grieving. I’ve cried puddles on my bathroom floor, yelled and became angry, realized it’s your loss and everything in between. But instead of coming out in the end with acceptance and relief, I’m back to square one.
I don’t know if I believe in soulmates or everyone having someone out there who is their perfect match, but I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason.
I protected my heart for so long that I knew the second I found someone who could break through all of my walls, not just a couple layers, would be the one to have a hold on me forever.
They would forever have their mark on my heart and I would be on theirs.
It’s the absolute craziest thing I’ve ever told myself, and it’s probably the reason why I feel insane, but somehow it came true. Even if right now it isn’t anything like it used to be, at some point we were and it was perfect.
But that’s not the case anymore, at least for now.
All of this time passing has genuinely made me realize we needed to go our separate ways. We needed to grow and learn on our own without holding the other back.
We both had our past heartbreaks we hadn’t quite finished pushing through. I know I had some growing to do. We both had to learn how to love ourselves and fix our broken hearts – on our own. We needed to be alone, silently pushing each other to be the best versions of ourselves possible.
I know at the time we could have never been anything more than what we were, I see that now. But things have changed and we’ve changed for the better.
And the one thing that hasn’t changed is how my heart feels. No amount of growth or time could possibly change how I feel about you. That is ingrained in every fiber of my being, sewn with the stitches I used to fix my once shattered heart.
Believe me, if I could move on I would. I wish I could believe everyone when they tell me there is someone else out there who will be even better… but I don’t believe it. Call me dumb or naïve or whatever you wish, but right now that is my truth.
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