Laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling wondering whether or not love is meant to feel this way and if not, why I allow it to feel this way…
Maybe it’s the way you look at me, or the way you randomly start to care once I give up.
I never thought I would find myself having sleepless nights for the wrong reasons. I always imagined being wide awake because my reality would seem better than my dreams yet I am afraid to close my eyes because I fear that my dream would be filled with something that I could never speak into existence.
I feel my body freezing and warming up simultaneously with the thought of you. The confusion rambling in my brain whether or not it’s worth the hurt. The fear of loving you knowing that I might end up hurt no matter how hard I try to make everything work.
My fingers tingling as I stare at my phone, wanting to send a text yet knowing that I probably won’t receive the response I want. Knowing that I might not be the only person on your mind regardless of how often you are on mine.
Finding myself dream about how happy I could be if only I did something differently, maybe if I was not so demanding or moody all the time. Maybe if I allowed myself to become more open to the idea of being good enough for now. But why should I allow you to take advantage because you can.
It sucks that you know I have a weak spot for you. It’s like I find myself slowly drowning and instead of helping me up, you’re pressing on my chest, right on my heart for that “one last chance, I promise”.
I feel my eyes well up more than light up at the thought of how intimidated I feel in a crowded room because I know you might find someone better than me in spite of the fact that I am not even yours.
I never found love this destructive before, a love so fragile that it becomes broken before it even begins.
A love so destructive that makes you more concerned rather than content.
I always imagined being in love with someone utterly obsessed with the thought of me but I find myself being obsessed with someone who could go days without speaking to me.
I find myself constantly thinking about you, wondering how you would describe me to someone else and whether or not you ever think about a future with me.
Love feels like a bottomless pit and I feel myself gradually falling lower and lower into the pit with you standing at the top watching me fall instead of being beside me and falling together.
People keep saying it is unhealthy, it’s toxic, it’s not something worth fighting for, yet I refuse to give up because I know there is more to you than the façade in front of me.
I see your heart beating through your torn eyes and I can feel the beat of your heart in your melancholic tone of voice whenever we talk.
I don’t deserve to be treated like this, but you also don’t deserve to be given up on as well…
You are broken.
I hate that no matter how hard I try, you refuse to let me mend those pieces but once again, you are the only person who can change your own situation.
I want you to know that your brokenness does affect me, even though you try so hard to push me away… I can feel it through the love I so often try to give to you.
Love should never be this destructive to a soul but then again nobody said love would be easy.
Maybe love was not meant for the broken or maybe love affected the broken so much that it cannot be found again.
Maybe our brokenness is worth the love or maybe we are just both complicated
What if maybe we are meant to be together and we just did it wrong?
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