You were always so sweet, so caring, so kind to me. And maybe I took that a little too far. When I thought that you were going to be there.
Not just for a little while, but really there. When I needed someone to talk too, when I wanted to give up. When life happened.
I was so sure. In my heart of hearts that you were going to be something new.
But I, like so many others, were wrong.
And it’s not like you lied to me. Like you led me on. Like you told me everything I wanted to hear just to make sure that I was too caught up in you.
But I think that maybe, just maybe, you played me.
Maybe you thought I was in the game too, but my heart was somewhere else. It was picturing us together.
It was making plans.
My heart was the one that was falling in love with you. Or least in like with you.
I trusted my gut, just this one time because I thought it would be worth it in the end. But I couldn’t have been more off track.
Sometimes, I want to blame you. For all the things that I thought you were feeling. All the things I thought you wanted from me. I want to blame you for making me love you, and then pulling the rug out from under me.
I want to blame you for being just another person I should have known better about. Just another lesson, another story to bring up.
But I can’t.
The only one I can blame is myself because I was the one who let my gaurd down. I was the one that trusted you, that thought this could be something real. That maybe just this once, I wasn’t going to get burned.
But you left an impression, more than you will ever know.
I just want you to understand that you hurt me.
You broke my trust. You pulled me up so high, only to drop me all the way down and I want you to know that, it sucked.
And it still does.
I know I’m going to get over it one day, maybe sooner rather than later, but that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it all better and it sure as hell doesn’t make any of this any easier. Because I know I’m going to be okay.
But me and my reckless thought, we both wanted to think more of you.
Now I can’t even look you in the eyes, I can’t even say your name without feeling like a fool. Because that’s what you did.
You made me feel silly for thinking that this time around, I was going to be able to take away just as much as I put in. But you turned out to be just like the rest.
Worse. Because I know it wasn’t in your intention to hurt me. That much I believe.
But you never gave me closure. You never gave me much of anything. And I’m left here. Standing all alone with all of these questions, all of these wild thoughts inside my head because I’m starting to think that it was me.
Not you.
And that’s what really breaks my heart.
It’s knowing that you could have had me. That we could have really been something. And then watching you turn your back when I was just about to fall.
Now, it’s not so much that I hate you. But I hate what you did to me. It was never supposed to happen like this. You were supposed to be one of the good ones, not just another one.
So now, all I can do is hope that one day, you figure it all out. And that you find someone who loves you as much as I did.
And I hope that she treats you right. That she’s open and honest and enough for you. Because I can see now that I never was.
Whatever your reasons may be, you’re still the one who left me holding my breathe. And for that, I just can’t forgive you.
