I continually convinced myself that you were right for me.
When you'd ignore me, make me wait, get mad at me… somehow in my twisted world I made myself believe that it was just your way of affection.
I believed your words and wanted so badly to have that happiness that I'd seen so many others have. I was willing to sacrifice all of my time and energy on you if it meant that you'd lead me to "happily ever after."
But the thing is, you didn't make me like this, this is in no way your fault.
You were a horrid person who never valued me and it was up to me to see that, but I was too blinded by the idea of love to ever let myself believe that you were anything less than perfect.
As a result, I have become weary of myself. I tell people that I have trust issues, but they don't get it.
It's not that I don't trust the guys I date but once I get to know them I can get a pretty good sense of how they are gonna treat me.
The real issue?
I can't trust myself, and that scares the crap out of me.
I have fallen for so many liars and believed them that I can't help but doubt myself whenever I date someone new.
Am I really seeing them for who they are?
Do they really love me?
Is this all a ruse?
Due to this self-doubt, I rely heavily on the advice of friends and family.
Even when I know they are wrong I still doubt myself and continually overthink every step I take.
I push people away and miss out on some really great people.
And believe me, I'd love to blame you.
I'd love to say that this is all your fault. That if you hadn't have played boomerang with my heart and watched me fall for you knowing that you weren't going to catch me then none of this would have happened.
But the truth is, it's not your fault, it's mine.
I should have seen the signs. I should have known that you were only interested in having the puppy follow you around, you never wanted to adopt, you just liked the attention and loyalty.
You kept me on a leash until you knew I wouldn't walk away, then you set me free knowing that I wouldn't leave your side. But whenever I did stray, you'd snap that leash back on and get mad at me for ever contemplating an "escape".
Looking back I find that funny that you'd get mad at me for trying to date other guys when it seemed as though you couldn't care less about me.
I should have known then that you were only interested in me when it seemed as though I wasn't interested in you. You only wanted me when you couldn't have me. I guess that's why the only time I saw you cry was when I finally walked away.
Because I trusted you I will always question myself.
I trusted a guy I thought was my best friend. I trusted you for a year of my life and allowed you to string me along the entire time.
I trusted a liar.
Part of me is grateful because I was so close to you I found out how easy it is to lie. I learned your carefully crafted techniques of cunning deception and I have caught quite a few liars and cheats that tried to get me to trust them.
I don't regret what happened because it strengthened me and showed me just how cruel the world can be.
However, because of the choices I made I will forever be cautious of the choices I make.
One thing is for sure, I will never make the mistake of trusting anyone like you ever again.