It is within the quietness of the night and the stillness of the heavy air, that I hear my thoughts roar.
Louder and louder I hear myself thinking about everything I possibly can. My mind is on overdrive, no sleeping tonight. How did I get here? Should I turn back? Should I try this? Should I try that? What more can I do? These thoughts ponder my mind and drive me wild. They never cease to exist day and night. Night is the worst time but the day is often more depressing because though the sun is shining, my inside is nothing but numb, nothingness.
At night I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one laying in darkness, because when the sun sets we all are.
I get so tired and worn down each day from trying to be okay, trying to put all of the puzzle pieces together in my head. People constantly taunting me and causing my head to pound. I'm never good enough, I think to myself. At work I slave the day away for every costumer and co-worker around me. Maybe one day I'll encounter a patient and kind person who doesn't expect too much from me. Just maybe.
I come home to a home that doesn't feel like home at all because the people who reside within these big walls, are divided.
They don't seem or feel like a family at all. I try to put on a smile and laugh every once in a while. I attempt to make conversation and to be interested in their days, or how they are doing this day. You know the usual family-like love we should share with one another. An acknowledgment here and there. I'll even be a helpful hand on most days and do some cooking or some cleaning. Run an errand or two on a weekly basis.Yet, nothing seems to fully do the trick. Why? Because these people are too caught up in their own selves, to even see me or one another.
We are no longer a family, we are just people who live under the same roof.
My friends? They're all worried about me. I hear it often. But yet I still continue to shut them out and drown the noise out with thoughts and questions. My friends they worry about me but they never seem to come knocking on my door unless they need something, unless they want something. I'm just a back up plan in case their time is put on pause and they suddenly have an urge to find some time to do something that's not for them.
I'm not blaming other people for how I feel.
I'm not even blaming them for no longer knowing how to be here for me when they can't seem to be there for themselves. But, I guess that's the ironic truth about life. We are all really just alone, trying to fight our way through life to get to wherever it wants us to go. It's on us to make a way to get over the mountain. It's on us t find happiness and joy and contentment. It is our own responsibility to feel okay, to feel normal. To feel and to be alive.
Maybe that's what I have a hard time understanding, why I try to find companionship with anyone? I really don't know? What I do see clearer now is that I must learn to be alone. Learn to love myself and be my biggest supporter. Putting too much hope into other people just sets us up for failure and disappointment. Or, so I've learned in my experiences, in my lifetime.
So as I stand here along the shore, alone, watching the sun rise I see one glimmer of hope for me. That if I put my hope into myself and believe in the things unseen, unknown, it will be easier to push through. And maybe, just maybe I can be my own voice of peace and serenity in this world of chaos, brutality, and confusion.