You think my life is perfect. You say I’ve got the looks, I’ve got the sass, the whole package. You never see me without my smile.
But you’ve never seen me looking a mess. You’ve never seen me break down or lose my cool. You’ve never seen me hurt.
And that’s because I don’t want you to.
In a world where emotions make people uncomfortable, and real conversations are hard to have, it’s just easier to smile and laugh than to cry and vent.
So here we are: you thinking I’m happy and perfect, and me feeling anything but. From the outside, I’m calm and relaxed, effortlessly at ease. And inside I’m a mess, fragile and vulnerable, and desperate for help.
But I can’t ask for it. So I text and talk the best that I can because I don’t want you to know that I’m not doing okay. I don’t want to burden you with my problems and insecurities. I don’t want you to think less of me or think I’m weak.
So I’m strong, or at least I pretend to be.
But If you pay attention just close enough…you’d know that I’m just barely hanging on.
You’d know that when my texting becomes short, or I stop replying at all I just don’t have the energy to do so. You’d know that when I’m reading an entire book in a day that I’m trying to drown myself in a different world. That if I fell asleep extra early I’m trying to escape my thoughts..
Even though I’m not right now, I know I’ll be okay someday.
I just wish someday would come sooner. I wish you’d recognize that something is off. I wish you’d look me in the eyes and tell me you know I’m not okay.
I wish you would hold me in your arms and tell me that you’ll always be there. Tell me it’s okay to cry, that it won’t make me less of a person. Tell me that you’ll be strong while I’m weak. Let me fall asleep with my head on your shoulder.
And not tell me that one day it’ll all be okay, but rather that right now, in your arms, everything is okay.