From the outside looking in, you can’t tell that I don’t have things figured out.
You see the curled hair, the face I spent two hours caking makeup onto and the clothes I put on just to feel like I’m human today.
From your perspective, nothing is wrong. It doesn’t seem as if this smile on my face is covering up anything.
But those demons that I seem to somehow have hidden from the world this morning seem to be sitting on my shoulder with their snide comments and overdose of feelings.
It makes life a living hell.
Little do you know, my heart has been beating so fast all morning that I am expecting to keel over and die at any moment.
Every single cell in my body is moving so fast and slow at the same time that I’m not sure if I need to sit or run or drink water or scream.
My brain is on a self-hating lockdown. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of some giant screamo band of broken white noise in hell telling me I’m too fat, or too dumb.
It tells me I’m crazy or that I can never do anything right.
Now I’m not making eye contact, not saying two words out loud. My teeth are chattering and I don’t even notice it.
I clench my fists and pull at the hair band on my right wrist, chew my cheeks and lips til they bleed and gasp for air all at once.
Its like these feelings just keep coming and multiplying over and over and over until they have completely consumed every ounce of my being.
Some days are better than others, some days are hard and I want to disappear and hide until I no longer feel the feelings.
But the one thing I tell myself:
They are just days, and I have more where they came from.
