I spent my majority of my life trying to please you.
I constantly found myself altering who I was to fit your expectations.
I was never good enough… you always found me lacking.
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many sleepless nights I stayed awake thinking of ways to make you happy, it was never what you wanted.
Your praise was sparse, and your criticism often.
Your harsh words stuck to me like glue, unable to shake myself free of the grasp they had on my soul.
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I found myself repeatedly criticizing myself in return. There was nothing I could do right, and my self-esteem was terrible.
I didn’t have the strength in me to make a decision without having to overthink every possible outcome, creating endless scenarios in my mind, driving myself crazy.
You made me question myself every day.
Made me feel absolutely worthless.
I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t for so long that I forgot who I even was.
You aren’t supposed to do that to someone you love.
You aren’t supposed to make them doubt themselves, turn them into your machine because the person they are isn’t good enough.
It took freeing myself from your toxic hold to finally find myself. I’ve always been there, underneath your smothering judgement. It took some time but I’m finally confident in my own skin. I can walk into a room without looking down or feeling like everyone’s making fun of me.
I realized that I deserved more, and that if you couldn’t accept me for who I am, I refuse to sacrifice myself anymore.
I refuse to apologize for who I am.
If you can’t accept that?
I really don’t give a damn.
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