To the man who took my virginity,
I was 16 years old when you decided to steal something precious to me. It was the first night I had ever done anything irresponsible. I thought I was with people that would keep me safe but I guess I was wrong. I wasn’t on birth control and I wasn’t ready to have sex.
I said no. I don’t know if you even heard me, I know that I said it out loud and that I was screaming it in my head. I was in love with your best friend and you knew it. I spent years thinking it was an elaborate plan to get me to give it up because he didn’t do virgins. But it was just you, wasn’t it?
I thought you were being nice, you took me too a room after I threw up and you gave me some water. You ran your fingers through my hair to help me fall asleep. You left when I did fall asleep only to come back, more drunk and kiss me. I pushed you away because I didn’t want to kiss you, I wanted to kiss him.
You kept kissing me in spite of my protest and started taking yours and my clothes off. I said no but I was so drunk that I could hardly fight back. I laid there knowing there was little to nothing I could do. I felt like I wasn’t even connected to my body, like I was just watching you as you destroyed my innocence.
Going to the county health building to get emergency contraceptives was mortifying. I didn’t feel like I could tell them that you raped me. I blamed myself for this for so long. It wasn’t my fault. My faith in God was destroyed and I realized that I never had to worry about him, I had to worry about men like you.
It’s been years and I’m still confused and hurt. You probably don’t even know how much hurt you caused. I didn’t enjoy sex for another two years and I completely shut down in similar situations leading to me being raped again. Life has changed a lot for both of us since then, you are married to a beautiful woman and you have a beautiful daughter. I don’t hate you and I don’t blame you completely but I will never forgive you. My hope for you is that you grow up being painfully aware of boys and men like you because you have a daughter. My hope is that you have changed and show your daughter how she should be treated and how to stand up for herself. I hope she never goes through what you put me through.
