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It Kills Me to Know He's the One, but I'm Just Not Ready for Love Yet

Falling in love can be the most exciting, invigorating, freeing feeling one can experience in life. It can mend the broken places in your soul and cause the pieces of the puzzle to all fit together. Love makes everything, make sense. I suppose in ways, it can be true. But no one ever talks about what to do, when your heart wants to fall, but just isn't ready to.

And no one goes further to expose the truth of what it can be like, when you don't want to be with the person your heart loves any longer, but you cannot bear the idea of being solely alone either. This is the tragic predicament I find myself in. This is the kaleidoscope of confusion and chaos my mind sees in unclear pictures. The love song I breathe, isn't one you want to sing along too. In fact, it's a sad melody I can bear no more. 

I love him. I do. 

By saying so, I can say that this is honest an true. My heart beats for him. For his words, his touch, the way he makes me laugh. How he puts goofy smiles on my face. All of him and all that he does, I love. I owe him a thousands words of apprehension and admiration. He has been my rock that has held me down in the windiest of storms, and has given me water in the desert. He has never left my side, Not once, not ever. Even when I deserved to be left alone in my own demise. 

We have seen summer, sunshine and growth together. Growing roots embedded within one another. Always growing, even through weeds and poison. A poison that tries to pull us apart but never wilts our leaves we grow together. Happiness is what we find in each other's arms; in each other's presence. My life is full with him beside me. But he's growing more than me. He's starting to blossom and become the man he has always wanted to be. For this, I am proud. Proud of his accomplishments. Proud of his growth. Simply, proud for him and of him. 

He is wonderful. 

But he's ready to not only grow together, but to blossom and build a life together. This is what ruins me down to the core. Not because I am ungrateful. Not because I do not love him. Not because there is another's heart who has stolen my attention. But simply because I am not ready. 

We do not want the same things. This truly frightens me. I am lost, I do not know what to do or how to communicate these feelings to him. I don't wish hurt for him. But how log until the lies I tell myself catch up? How long before faint takes it's hold and drives apart? How long until we both fall into heartbreak and find ourselves alone? How long until I realize I need to walk away in order to save him? 

Because I am a toxic for him. And the poison, we can not fight off any longer.