The rain falls and the clouds are as gray as it seems they could possibly be and my heart is so heavy.
Just like the rain falls, tears stream down my face as thoughts of you consume my heart and my mind.
Whatever we had, I miss it. Not you, just it.
If anyone were to ever ask me what "it" is, I would sit here and ponder the question for as long as I possibly could before going insane.
There are no specific words that come to mind when I think back on that period and point in my life in which you existed in, but feelings flood my empty and hollow body. They warm me up and suddenly, the tears are coming in as a flood.
I know that it wasn’t love, but I miss it.
It has been so long and I know that you are okay. I know that you are not like me, still stuck on something that we both knew would never work because the sad reality was that what we were built on something that was not love.
It wasn’t lust, it wasn’t love, but it was something special.
A special that you were able to let go of just as easily as a child lets go of a balloon filled with helium as they watch it float up into the sky and disappear.
I wish that I was capable of putting the feelings into a balloon and doing the same.
I could write a note and attach it to the string, but that note would only be words. Notes comprised of words are not feelings.
Feelings aren’t released as easily, or as quickly as words are.
“Think before you speak.”
I will never understand, or be able to comprehend how someone could tell another person that they have never experience something so great, so powerful, so life changing and leave when it is not convenient for them, or when they don’t want to work through the hell that has been created.
Feelings are a powerful thing. They are the reason we do the things we do. They are what make us hurt, smile, cry, cheer, yell, sleep, the list goes on and on.
I don’t want to feel the feelings anymore.
Days like these I think and my mind ponders the thought and reality of what my life would be like if I had never met you.
Would I still be in the same boat, just with a different person? Would I know what pain like this feels like? Would I be the same girl that I am today composed of every hardship, heartache and challenge that I have endured?
I think and I allow myself the option of forgetting.
But I quickly stop myself because another thought and realization comes to my mind; “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Although it might not have been love, it was something and I am grateful I got to experience it and lose it because it is so much better than to never have known what it was at all.
Love is capable of pain like this and one day, I know that it will be capable of getting rid of it.