The last couple weeks have been rough, I’ve been feeling my depression set back in; my anxiety going all over the place. I’ve been feeling like the person I used to be years ago, the one I fought so hard with to become the person I am today.
Every day it’s a daily battle within myself to just wake up, get out of bed and act like everything is okay, like I’m not completely broken down inside.
I often wonder where I went wrong in life; what choices did I make this far in my life that were so wrong that all I seem to have are lows, instead of highs.
I feel as though I’m a decent person. I’m the type that helps others when they need it, the one who would give my last dime to someone in need. I’m caring and compassionate towards most things in life. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and often give out more chances to others than they deserve.
I just don’t know where I go wrong sometimes.
For being so young, I’ve been through more than most people twice my age. It doesn’t seem fair. That life keeps throwing these curve balls at me over and over again, one right after the other, without giving me enough time to recover from the last.
When I was 17, I was in one of the worst points in my life. I was depressed, suicidal, self-harming, you name it. I was so tired of everything I was going through, I just wanted it all to end. I didn’t go through with it. I made a promise to myself to get better, to fight this and I that’s exactly what I did.
Lately, it’s hard though. It’s hard to keep fighting this battle. To keep finding things in life worth living for. To see the good things in life when all you’ve ever known is the bad.
I thought I had my life together, that maybe things were finally starting to look up for me. I met the girl of my dreams, who was everything I needed and then some. My work life was getting better, I was in the running to become a manager. Everything was perfect.
In the blink of an eye, it all come crashing down. One thing after another. I could feel it, it was always there in the back of my mind, just waiting for the right time to come back out. Depression.
I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. To feel like you have nothing worth living for; to constantly have a battle within yourself just to do the little things in life like waking up or going to the bathroom. It’s hard, it sucks.
Along with the depression the self-harming comes back into mind.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad person, if I make the wrong choices in life.
Should I have done this or that? Is this my punishment for being a lesbian?
Maybe if I would’ve done things in my life differently or maybe if I could’ve just been born normal, things like this wouldn’t happen to me.
Why am I not good enough?
Deep down, I know there are good things in life, that there’s things worth living for. It’s just hard to find those things when you feel alone, when you feel like the whole world is out to get you and you have no one in your corner.
I know that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes and that if I fight a little harder, I can fight this feeling. But right now, I feel hopeless, helpless and I don’t know how to get myself back.
I know that I’m going to be okay, I do. But I’m tired of fighting, of trying to pretend to be happy when all I want to do is break down and cry the majority of the time.
You are not alone. If you or someone you know is feeling like this or has thoughts of suicide, please call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
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