I think how we are raised plays a huge role in how we view relationships and love.
Kids that see their parents happily married for 25 years are probably anxious for marriage and dream of leading the same life.
Kids that see their parents fighting or cheating may look at it as a different way and never want to fall in love for fear of repeating history.
Kids like me – the ones that come from an abusive family, we build a wall. We know love exists, but it’s hard to imagine being loved by someone when your own family never loved you.
The wall I have built is impenetrable and the only way in is if I give you a key
While girls planned their dream weddings and want a love like Noah and Allie from The Notebook, I want a love like Carlos and Nicole from Crazy/Beautiful.
I want someone that knows the good & the bad, knows there is damage and wants to be with me anyway. I want someone that is a friend first and it becomes more, naturally.
“While they all fall in love with her smile, she waits for one who will fall in love with her scars.???
I have been asked out and I have been told I am beautiful – one guy tells me it far too often. That gets old and it gets annoying because I am more than a pretty face. I have a brain, I have a heart and a personality. I have scars.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.???
The worst of me doesn’t come out often. I’ve become really good at burying it deep but sometimes bits and pieces will break through. There has to be a certain level of comfort that I don’t feel very often before I give you a sneak peek.
A sneak peek into my eating disorder and what it feels like to have a family that loves to point out everything they see wrong with you. A sneak peek into the pain and memory of my cousin overdosing on heroin every time Pink’s song Who Knew comes on the radio. A sneak peek into the fear that takes total control of my body when I have an anxiety attack so bad that I can’t catch my breath, I become lightheaded and my hands and feet go numb.
I am not one to believe in a relationship completing you or fixing you – I think that has to come from within but I do believe someone can be your rock. I need a rock, not to be confused with The Rock (trying to make a joke & lighten the mood).
So do I believe in love? I do but I don’t know if I’ll know when it happens. I mean, is it “that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff???? Call me a cynic but I think so many people want to be in love, they’re in love with the idea of it. Others confuse loving someone with being in love.
I think when it’s meant to happen it will. I don’t believe in forcing it or searching for it. I will always carry my baggage with me but as time goes on maybe it’ll get smaller and maybe I won’t feel so guilty about bringing it into a relationship. Maybe I’ll come to terms with accepting help and knowing it is okay to let someone in.
All of these things take time and it is going to take a special person to be my rock. So I’m not looking for a happily ever after romance that is one for the story books. I am looking for a Crazy/Beautiful, Perfectly Imperfect love – one that is made solely for me.
“There are millions of people out there. But, in the end, it all comes down to one. I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know there’s something beautiful in my imperfections; A beauty that he held up for me to see. The strength that can never be taken away. When it’s real, when it’s right, don’t let anything stand in your way.??? – Crazy/Beautiful
**None of the quotes used are my own. Credit goes to The Dreamer, Marilyn Monroe, It Takes Two, and Crazy/Beautiful