Mental illness has been a weight on my shoulders that has held me down, making even the smallest things nearly impossible. It was like a bulldozer cruising through my life, demolishing everything in its path. It pushed my happiness aside and made itself the star of the show. Moments of excitement turned into moments of fear and panic in a split second when it decided to make its presence known. It put me at war against myself for what felt like an eternity, taking any self-confidence and burying it in doubt and insecurities that were made up.
When I finally found the courage to seek help and walked into the building for my very first therapy session, I felt nauseous. To be honest, it went horribly. The woman was not a good fit for me. And because of that, I didn't admit to her just how much my mental illness was affecting every aspect of my life. But I came to realize that finding the right team of people to help takes time. I am a very impatient person, but I knew that if I wanted to get better, I had to accept trial and error.
As dark as some days have been, that darkness only allows me to better appreciate the light — weeks spent traveling the world seeing unforgettable sights; nights spent at concerts, surrounded by hundreds of strangers, feeling connected by the beat of the same song; days spent laughing with family and friends; accomplishments that fill me with a sense of pride; the day I walked across that stage and received a diploma I had poured my heart and soul into. My mental illness may have taken so much from me, but it could never take my sense of hope. It has not and will not diminish my belief that tomorrow can and will be better than today.
I used to be too ashamed to talk about my struggle publicly. I would have been ashamed to tell people that I have been to a mental health agency, that I take daily medication, and that I saw a therapist weekly. But you know what? I'm no longer ashamed to admit that. Because everyone has their own method of conquering whatever it is they are battling and I know I’m not alone.
I just hope that everyone who is battling a mental illness knows they are so worth it. Each and every soul is unique, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, curious, kind, smart and an inspiring human being. Everyone deserves a good life. And the world is full of light and darkness, but that’s okay that’s just the way life goes and there is nothing wrong with that. Each soul is filled with light and darkness, black and white, happiness and sadness. This doesn’t mean anyone is broken, damaged or split even though at times it feels as though we are.
People treat us differently as soon as they hear the words “Mental Illness.” They change, but please, stop thinking that’s your fault. They just don’t deserve us. We are better than them. I want everyone suffering to know that they are supported, they are not alone in this journey, and that they are truly and deeply loved. And most importantly, I want them to know that they are meant to be here in this life.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I’ve finally come to the realization that mental illness may be a part of my life, but it will never, ever define who I am.
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