Living with Separation Anxiety

Nobody understands how painful and scary separation anxiety really is until they have gone through it themselves. I have been going through it my whole life. Recently I went through such a bad episode from my boyfriend leaving for a week that I thought I was going to die. I was constantly vomiting and having severe panic attacks. 

Now I hopped that he would understand just how bad it was from me calling him every sad sobbing begging him to come home. But the sad truth is that there was no way for me to show him how bad it was. He didn’t understand how sick I really was. 

You don’t really get how someone doesn’t understand your illness until you try to explain it to them and all they can say is, “It is all in your head”. It is not just in your head. It might start off that way but eventually it begins to consume you. It sends your body into a state of panic that nobody seems understand.

It is different for everyone but for me it all starts with one of my loved ones leaving for a long period of time. From there I can not stop crying, I will try to eat constantly but I can’t even hold down juice. I start to close myself off from everyone and sit in the darkness of my room. Then to shut it all off I will take sleeping pills, which my body in this state of panic also rejects. I cry out for help but nobody ever understands. 

My parents tell me I am retarded and need to toughen up but that is not how it works. After about three days of no sleep, no food, and non-stop crying I become dizzy and can no longer think straight. Then the thoughts that I have been abandoned start to creep up on me. 

The scary part of separation anxiety is you get to a point where your fears become the truth to your brain. For me I was convinced my boyfriend didn’t love me. I was convinced that he was never coming back for me and that he had found someone better. Someone that wasn’t broken. It isn’t in my head. That was my reality at the time. 

Everyday tasks slowly, as the days go by, become impossible to complete. Getting up to go to the bathroom becomes such a challenge that you are out of breath by the time you get back. Every muscle in your body starts to ache from the lack of food. You get so tired and you just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but you can’t.  

Because as soon as your eyes close the fears play out right in front of your eyes and within moments you are jerked awake sobbing and in the middle of a panic attack.

The longer that person is gone the worse it gets. The panic attacks come closer and closer. You try to convince yourself that you are okay, but you can’t, because you aren’t okay. You are sick, and if that person who has left has never felt this kind of sorrow that won’t get it. They just get upset at you and say that you are doing it to yourself. Coming back early doesn’t even cross their minds. 

While you are sitting there suffering more than you ever have before they are out partying, not even giving one crap about how sick you are. And this is going to hurt you so deeply, but they just do not get it. They most likely never will, and that is the saddest part of it all. 

Living with separation anxiety is a curse that many people, including myself, have had to cope with. The people in your life calling you crazy just don’t get how bad you are hurting. They don’t get that you are physically sick. You need help, and you need love. But they don’t get it. 

They don’t get it because living with this illness can not be compared to anything. It is like death is just lurking around you. It feels like you are drowning in a room full of people and nobody cares enough about you to reach down and pull you out. But I do. I would save you because I get it. You are not alone in this world, I feel your pain and all your fears. It is okay to be sick. Most of all it is not your fault. Do not apologize for it. Just know that someone out there understands you and knows you are in pain. But guess what? It will end and you will be okay. 

Published by

Shelby Harris

Writing has always been my escape. Ever since I can remember I have used writing as my outlet for all my emotions and my creativity. Everything I write I write with my whole heart. Writing is my passion. Twitter handle: Facebook URL:

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