Everyone says that everything happen for a reason, that you cannot look for love, it will happen when you least expect it. But no one tells you what happens after that.
I wasn’t looking. I loved my job and I enjoyed being single. I would go to work excited for a new day. I had my whole life to look forward to. Then he stepped in and created chaos.
One minute I’m getting to know new people, doing my own thing and then the next, minute I’m blindsided by someone so real.
I fell for him the moment he smiled at me. The look in his eyes said it all. I was his and he was mine. Soul mates waiting to find each other. He was it for me, no looking back. At least that’s what I thought.
The chemistry was there, the laughter was there, almost everything was there. The one thing missing, commitment. Not commitment in the way you’d think. He was loyal to me, only with me. Commitment in the sense of giving himself to someone completely. I was always an open book, easy to read, expressing of my feelings. Him, the complete opposite. But they say opposites attract. Maybe that was my mistake. To get him to say he was even interested in me was like pulling teeth. Sure he did little things, some subtle things that made me believe he cared, but he would never say it. I would push and push, and I’m not a pusher. Maybe I pushed too far, too hard. He would make me crazy, he would make me cry, he would make me feel things I had never felt before, good and bad. I had never been this vulnerable, this scared. To love someone who cannot express themselves? To know that this could be it, the future at the tip of my fingers. But the uncertainty. How can I be content with that? How can the answers to my questions be so incomplete?
I couldn’t understand it. No matter how either one of us acted, no matter how mad one of us made the other, we stuck through it, we came back together, and we were drawn to each other. I’d start to question his motives, question his actions, question myself. I’d seek advice that would make me go crazy, make me overthink. Was he using me? Was he missing me? Does he love me but is too scared to say it? Will he ever open up to me? How could I feel as though we were soul mates, as though he was in love with me, but possibly be wrong? I was never wrong about these kinds of things. Could this be the first?
Is he just not ready? Ready to be the man I know he could be, he knows he could be? What is he waiting for? Life is passing him by. His priorities are running ramped. Did he love someone in the past that jaded his view of the future?
I’ve heard that timing is everything. The right people can meet each other, soul mates can meet each other, but if the timing is off, well then are you really soul mates? Maybe our timing is off. Maybe we will come together in the future and it just isn’t meant to be right now. But do I actually believe that? Am I content with that? The answer is no. I fight for what I want. I need him to fight for it too. I believe that if you want something bad enough you will find a way. If you fight for something hard enough you will get it. But does he believe that too? Does he look at me and see his future? Will I get a better answer than ‘possibly’?
I don’t want to say I’m giving up, because I would fight for him till the day I die. But I am losing hope and to lose hope is to lose it all.
So say something. Make me believe that this is worth the fight, that the timing isn’t off. That you will sacrifice as much as I would sacrifice for you. Prove that I’m a priority in you life, that the reason we keep coming back to each other has some purpose. Make me believe in us.