No one tells you that when you fall out of love something inside you changes forever. One guy has parts of me that I don’t know if I will be able to give to someone else in full.
I could say that I hate him, that he ruined my heart, that I trusted him and he threw it back in my face.
But I've said all of that. Over and over again and it doesn't seem to phase him. Not then and not now.
So I'll just say this.
My feelings are mine to feel. And I'm so tired of feeling like the crazy one because I can say them out loud and not feel ashamed.
Because he made me feel useless and weak and like there was something wrong with me because I cared. I can own when I'm wrong, and I can take the blame and all of the things that come with it. But not with this.
I trusted him. I gave him so much and I spent so much time waiting for him to pick up the pieces and understand. But that's just the thing. He never did.
He's not a bad person or anything, it's just from where I'm standing, he could have done a little more.
Or he could have walked away sooner. Maybe then I wouldn't have to wait so long for the breakdown. But he couldn't even give me that.
I don't know if he just liked to watch me struggle, or if he wasn't paying enough attention. But I'm tired of saying sorry when I have nothing to be sorry about.
I'm tired of having to fight for him because if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't have done anything at all.
But I guess that's just what happens sometimes, and I know that I'll get over it.
Soon, he'll be a memory… a scar that is almost faded.
I just want him to know that at the end of the day, he was the one who broke me down only to watch me fall.
I won't say that I can forgive him because I know that I'm not ready to do that. I can't say that it wasn't disappointing, that I expected more from him.
I know that love is never simple. That people make mistakes, but the difference is that sometimes, they don't want to fix them.
Sometimes, we just have to walk away from something, even though we thought that holding on would be worth it in the end.
That's the worst part about all of this. That he didn't even walk away slowly, he just let go and thought that I would land on my feet.
Well, I didn't. And he has to live with that, even if just for a moment.
Every time I looked at him I saw my future. I saw my partner. I saw a home, no matter where we both ended up. I was so, so wrong about him.
But what really sucks is that for me is that I know nobody will ever replace him in my heart. Whether he believes it or not, he was the reason I was happy.
It hit me so hard, how much I missed him. I felt the dark and loneliness creep in. There was no way for me to stop it. When those cold, negative thoughts came creeping in, that’s when my heart became too heavy in my chest.
I hid it well… being without him. Inside though? I was a mess.
I wish I could just get mad. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell him off so bad, but that won’t make me feel better.
Because really, he didn’t do anything wrong. He just broke my heart.
He wants to experience the world and see all that it has to offer him, and I want that for him, too. I can’t get mad at him.
So I’m not going to wait to be loved when I can love myself.
I thought he was perfect, but really he was so toxic, everything turned black in my path, myself included.