Breakups are never fun, especially when you’re the one getting broken up with.
From the moment he says, "It's over," your mind is already translating that into "I don’t want you anymore." And the self-prescribed negativity doesn't stop there.
The day you broke my heart I thought, this is it, nothing will ever hurt worse than this.
But boy, I'd never been so wrong.
That day, I woke up feeling relieved. Because I'd been feeling lower than low, and kept telling myself, that once I saw you, I'd feel better. But thinking that was my first mistake.
Never rely on someone else to make you happy because it gives them the power to take it away just as easily.
So I waited around for you to cure me of my sadness, except you never came, and you told me you never would, that it was over. Immediately, my chest tightened, my stomach ached, my hands began to sweat, and the tears rolled down my face like a waterfall.
"Why? What did I do?"
And your reasons induced nothing but self-hate. You said "My heart just isn't in it," and I heard "You're not good enough, you're too fat, you need to stop eating, you need to talk less, you're too ugly, you need to be better."
And it was in those moments that I thought I'd never feel more pain, I'd lost the the one person who meant everything to me.
But then it passed.
And once I was a little clearer minded, I realized that the only real loss wasn't the fact that I no longer had you, but that somehow, along the way, I lost myself. I lost a huge part of who I was in this relationship, always striving to be perfect, never feeling good enough, and always feeling like I cared more than you did.
And that hurt the most.
How did I let this happen?
I couldn't answer then, but now I know I'll never let it happen again.
No one can define your worth but you, and absolutely no one can make you feel bad about who you are if you simply learn to love yourself always. I have to say as hard as it was in that moment to do so, I had to pick myself up and remember that I loved who I had become and who I saw in the mirror.
In that moment I learned why being kind and gentle to myself was so important: without self-love, you're left with nothing when half of your heart just up and walks away.
Learning how to love myself through a time when I felt completely worthless was so important.
It felt amazing to look at myself in the mirror, wipe the tears that were rolling down my face and say "You are enough, you did your best, you cared so much for him."
My mind convinced me to be strong, empowered, and calm even though my heart was shattered and my thoughts kept chaotically racing.
And ultimately, I found comfort in knowing that he lost someone who loved him immensely, because that was something invaluable. And all I lost was someone who didn't care, something so dispensable.
Through this sudden heartbreak, getting blindsided made me see that I have a lot to give, and I'll never let myself forget that.
