We’ve all heard of depression. It’s one of those terms over-used today, especially in your typical office-day conversation. “Oh, I’m depressed because it’s Monday.” “This weather is depressing, etc.”
To some people, that’s all that is. Just another term. You see those commercials on television of a sad looking person or cartoon with a dark cloud following them. A lot of us may not think of anything of it.
That cloud, though, is only a minuscule depiction of what depression really feels like. The darkness, the black sky that all hangs over your head. It could be temporary for a few weeks, a few months, or more chronic, lasting years. There is no timetable. That might be the scariest aspect about it, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re drowning in the dark.
Sometimes events can trigger it. Sometimes it happens for no explainable reason.
What is it like to live with depression exactly?
1. Depression is like being entrapped in a metaphorical box. Your whole body and mind are stuck in one confined space, filled with horrid thoughts and no matter how hard you try to break free, the box will not let you get out. Sometimes, you can come up for air temporarily, but at the end of the day, you get sucked back in, buried deeper than before.
2. You may try to fake happiness so others don’t catch on. It’s one of those taboo subjects. This is one of the most exhausting parts, the role playing. Trying to be someone you are not. You don’t want to smile, but you do. You feel like you need to play this happy person all the time, because that is what those around expect of you. It almost destroys you inside more-so, by constantly acting this way. It’s okay to not be okay.
3. Not everyone is going to understand what you’re going through. But it doesn’t mean you have to be afraid to talk about it. As much as you think you are the only one in the world suffering, I promise you, you are not. If you can find even one person, to be there for you, to vent to, to cry to, that is going to help immensely on the road to recovery. It’s not an issue to be ashamed of, even for as alone as you feel right now.
4. The Good Days Yes, this is real. The good days honestly aren’t even all that good. They are just what others think of as “normal.” You know, not crying on the floor for numerous hours for reasons that are unexplainable to the world. Good days are when your emotions are just “on hold.” You can breathe a little. Have a laugh or two. Maybe get dressed today and enjoy the world with a friend. With depression, these days are seldom. You truly appreciate them.
5. Onto the Bad Days When they are bad, they truly are. You feel debilitated. In pain. Not just in a little melancholy manner, but an emotional pain so deep it becomes physical as well. Your whole body hurts. Maybe you cry for so long that it sores every single muscle in your body. You are fatigued every minute of the day, yet haven’t moved. Getting out of bed at all is an immense accomplishment. You want to cry, need to cry, because your mind and soul are overwhelmed with so much emotion you don’t even know what to do with it or how to handle it. Crying is all that seems to work.
6. Maybe you don’t eat. Especially if you’re in bed all the time. They say your body changes going through depression and completely changes your appetite. Sometimes, you might be lucky to get one whole meal in a day. Everything hurts. You don’t even think you deserve yourself, why would you want food? It’s a tough realization but this mindset is incredibly dark. As much as you try, you can never see the light. All vision blocked.
7. Maybe you’re still in school while this is occurring. How do you even study with these terrible thoughts in your head? You somehow have to push beyond the darkness in your mind to learn. Think of it as an escape. Devouring yourself into something else that can get stuck in your brain besides not wanting to live. Or how miserable each day feels. The days all blur together, and you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the next week. You wonder if people can see you differently or if they would care. They do care.
8. This can come and go, you’ll have bouts of great joy that could last months. You can try to block out that this episode of depression even happened. But unfortunately it is one of those demons that can always return. You feel it coming on again, like a bad flu. You know, like when you’re about to get sick and feel that itchy throat. It’s similar, but in a mental aspect. The fog starts to haze your vision slowly, and then all at once can overpower your mindset once again. That fog has to be the most difficult obstacle you will ever face throughout your life. Once you’ve had depression, whether it’s gone for now, “cured” as they like to say, or has returned, every day is a continuous battle.
You have to keep fighting. Fighting to get out of that current that wants to take you under for good, fighting for a better day. Fighting to find happiness.
Keep fighting.
