I never wanted to hurt you. Any of you. That was never my intent.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say. I guess I can agree that is true. I tell myself that my actions do not affect other people, the only one who should be affected by me, is me. Then how did it go so wrong? When did my actions start hurting those around me, especially you? Why is everyone always so worried about me?
Your worry is killing me.
I do not want to be selfish, and I am definitely not looking for sympathy. I know the worry is killing you too. I'm trying. Please believe me.
Believe me, if I can have one thing, I would ask for all the noise to die down and for everyone to forget about me for a little while. I do not want you to fret about the things I do. I guess I am being a bit selfish in that way. Being selfish that I want to do my own thing without anyone else on my head. I guess that is a bit selfish. I guess life doesn't work that way. I must think about others if I have any righteousness in me. That's what my consciousness is telling me.
No matter what I do I seem to be hurting you. Constantly. If I am not hurting you, I am letting someone else down. I guess that's just the story of my life. I can't please everyone. It's impossible. . You are the most important to me, you are number one.
So then why is it so hard for me to please you?? Would it not be easiest for everyone, myself included if I just did the easy thing, and came home?
I guess you know by now that I, Rena Michael, never pick the easy road. I tend to like complicating things for myself. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it makes it more interesting. Maybe it's because I really believe I will find the answers in the middle of all that confusion. I don't know for sure. I just go with it. I create it and cannonball through it.
I guess this is the reason that I could never please you. I go crazy by not being a bit crazy. My craziness is what makes you sick with worry. I wish you wouldn't worry. I will be ok. It's you that I am worried about.
I do believe I will stop being crazy, and I will set myself somewhere, and I will make you happy. There are just some things I must do first. You don't think I must, but I must. Maybe it would be easiest if I forgot all the crazy things. It would be easiest to come home and numb myself a bit until it became habit. I can do that. But I don't want to.
People are always telling me: DO what makes you happy!
For some reason, that idea never thrilled me. Ever. It must be my gut telling me that is not the answer. Where did the idea that happiness is the most important thing come from? I think it's doing right by yourself and others, and only THEN happiness should come. You can't just DO what makes you happy. That's when you fall off the deep end. In my opinion.
What I rather hear is: Do what you think is right.
There. That makes more sense.
If I was to do the right thing, than honestly, this is what I would do. I do apologize in advance for this.
I would go back to Montana, fulfill my commitment with Kimme and CT, and then come home. That is what doing the right thing would mean by me. I would be keeping my promises on all sides, and I will not be worrying any of you anymore.
I could never live with myself if I screwed ANOTHER person over. No way. Not happening.
You say that I am essentially hurting my family by fulfilling prior commitments to people who are NOT my family?
I struggle with that. My answer would be this: Please give me a month. I am asking for ONE MONTH in which you do not worry about me. Be happy. Be stress free. Love me, but do not worry about me. Then I will come home, because that is what will make you happy. Then I can be happy knowing I have a clear conscious. I can be happier knowing that my family is a bit happier. A bit lighter. I will stop being a loose cannon. That I can PROMISE you. I will come home and I will live a normal life by your standards. I will bend for you. I just do not want to break. So please. Let me go one last time. But PLEASE, do not worry and do not be sad. PLEASE let me keep my promise to someone else first.
Grandma says that I make you cry. You, my parents. I never want to make you cry. That hurts me. I never want you to cry about anything other than that you are laughing so hard, your eyes tear up. She’s very angry with me for doing this to you, and I am angry with myself. Believe me. I’m not just saying it to spew words. Actions speak louder than words, I know that. Right now I have no actions, just words. I just hope my actions will be loud enough when I am back home.
Grandma also says that right now I don’t cry, I make you cry. She says, one day I will be the one crying. She has no idea how much I cry already.
Love,
Rena
