My Mind Knows I Should Leave but My Heart Won’t Give Him Up

I’m finally at the point where I can confidently fake a pleasant, positive response when people ask how I’m doing. Some see the sadness hidden in my eyes and give me a knowing look, but most just move on.

Those people don’t know the pain you caused me. The ones that do despise you. They see how you’ve shattered me and recognize that I’ll never be the girl I was before I let you into my heart.

They held me as my body quivered when I had no tears left and heard my weakened whispers admitting how alone and defeated I was. They saw my body shrink as I struggled to move past everything.

They don’t understand why I still choose to let you in my life. Sometimes even I don’t know why I let you stay after you broke me the way you did.

It’s curious how a problem can be its own solution. On my roughest days, you’re still the only one who can calm me down and talk some sense into my stubborn head. 

I know you care about me. You’ve taken responsibility for your actions and I know that means a lot, but part of me will never understand how you treated me so horribly.

On the days where I find the tears streaming down my face, I have no problem angrily telling you how shitty of a person you are. While I do feel that way about you, I also still care for you. I still love you.

It’s been a long time since we sat in the same room and talked but late night text conversations still happen. 

You say it’s best that we keep our distance while things are fresh because you’re scared being close will bring too many feelings back for me.

Part of me knows that you’re just as scared that you’ll find yourself overwhelmed.

I know I’ll never be able to fully detach if I let you stick around in my life and heart, but maybe I don’t really want to quit what we’ve started.

Maybe this is just our pause, not a full stop.

Published by

Anna Bell

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