I don’t know if it’s a woman thing, a mom thing, a NICU mom thing or just a “me” thing but I hold on to a ton of guilt. Here are just some of the things I am still holding on to.
The premature birth of my son. Whatever the rational, reasonable reasons for my son’s birth 7.5 weeks early, I will forever wonder if there was something I did to make him come early. I drank some raspberry tea that was supposed to be good for “the health of my uterus” but I didn’t ask the doctor before I drank it. I was home from work to rest but I didn’t feel sick so I had a hard time doing nothing – maybe I did too much. We did a CVS to test the baby’s health and I wonder if that could have contributed to the bleeding. All of those things were my choice.
Being at the NICU too much. I tried to be at the NICU with my son as much as possible. Which meant that my husband and daughter were home without me. I tried to be home for breakfast, dinner and bedtime to give hugs, hear stories and talk about our days. But for that one month, I wasn’t the best wife and mother to them.
Not being at the NICU enough. Yup…I also feel guilty that I wasn’t at the NICU enough. My son was all alone in the NICU. Sure he was surrounded by great staff, but his family wasn’t there all the time. I wasn’t there all the time. Did he hear my voice enough? Did we do “Kangaroo Care” enough? Was I the best mother I could be?
My son’s breathing trouble. Just before my son’s first birthday we learned that he either has Asthma or Reactive Airway Disease. One of the biggest factors for this? You guessed it – prematurity. So since I already hold guilt for the prematurity, I now have guilt for this too.
Choosing to stop breastfeeding. With my daughter, I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and then continued until 10 months while supplementing with formula. I felt guilty when I stopped nursing exclusively and when I stopped nursing all together. Then when my son came along, I decided to stop breastfeeding when I went back to work around 5 months. I will forever question this decision. Especially the “what ifs” – could it have helped him be healthier?
Do I rationally believe I should feel guilty for these things? No. But … I still do.
