I’m still unsure if my ex is a narcissist. I’m sure that’s what my brain is conditioned to think. I still wonder if I’m to blame for all that went wrong in our relationship. I blame myself for the panic attacks that I had. The crazy episodes I created. Dating at 19, what else did I know?
I needed you to love me. And you said you did. I held onto every word you said. But I wasn’t a weak person. I had a good job, supportive family, a good group of friends.
But I still needed you and accepted always being on your back burner.
I have a pull to you. I don’t know how to describe it to anyone since everyone thinks I’m completely insane for even giving you the time of day after all that you did.
I wasn’t innocent- everyone knows that. But there is nothing in me that needs to need you, yet I still do. I just don’t understand it.
I hate myself for thinking I want you around because I know at the end of it, I’ll end up in tears, feeling worthless. It happens every time. And it’s like I know that’s going to happen when I talk to you but I still do it anyway. What’s wrong with me?!
You are like a drug with how hard it is to break away from you. because no matter how strong and independent I think I am, I still feel like I need your approval. Which will never come because no one can be better than you let alone be better without you.
I need to go through withdrawal from you. I need to feel the burn and the ache and cry the tears of the end of us. burning through the end of a relationship with a narcissist I feel like is withdrawing from a drug.
You just want to die without it because you can’t imagine your life any other way. Even though you know deep down this is saving you from future pain and heartache and everyone else around you from it as well.
Yet somewhere in your mind you just cant do it.
