Maybe when I was younger I pretended like being divorced was cool, two holidays, two birthdays, double the gifts… When in reality it actually sucked… a lot.
If anything it's heartbreaking, especially considering I found what it meant to “not be faithful” way too young. It was messy and complicated and everything felt like it was spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do about it.
It took a toll on me just like it took a toll on both of you. I just don’t think you really saw how much it affected me.
The day Dad moved out, my world changed completely. I grew distant from my siblings, I kept to myself, and I never talked about the divorce with anyone. I found it easier to just keep busy with my school work and friends, as you both found your own distractions as well.
Dad, it literally broke my heart that you just cut yourself out of my life like I was nothing. It was literally court ordered for you to spend time with me and even so you never used that time to try and forge a relationship with me.
It's hard knowing that I have to hide my feelings because you can't be bothered to try to have a relationship with your daughter.
Did you know that you made me feel like I was never good enough for you? Like I would never, in my entire life, live up to your standards? Or were you so oblivious to anything or anyone other than yourself that you just didn’t realize?
Mom, I know this is hard on you too and I can’t even imagine the pain you must be feeling. It’s not your fault he was unfaithful and it’s not your fault that this is our reality now. I hope you realize that I never blamed you for one second.
I just wonder if you saw me blaming myself for it. If you saw me beating myself up over things I’ve said, ways I acted in the past, because for a while I genuinely thought it was me.
I blamed myself for a lot of things, especially the demise of your marriage. I thought that maybe if I were a better kid, you would still be together. That we would still live out the dream life I’ve always imagined having.
But the fact of the matter is that kids, just like their parents, are extremely affected by divorce. Even more so because everything that is happening in their lives is so completely and entirely out of their control that the only thing they can do is sit and watch the madness unfold.
It’s like watching a car accident from the other side of the highway. There is absolutely nothing you can do in that moment but watch as these two speeding vehicles collide and wreak havoc on the road ahead of them.
Now that I’m older, I get it. You two just didn’t love each other anymore and there was nothing even you guys could do about it.
I just wish you guys thought about someone other than yourselves and realized I was going through hell, too.
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