We’ve all been there. Been so in love it feels like you’re on top of the world, like you’ve found the one. But then it’s turned upside down…feelings jumbled, heart on fire, questions running through your head…
One year ago around this time, I felt it. I remember every single feeling in my body. Nerves, excitement, confusion, love…
To me, he was unlike anyone I’d ever met. He was my best friend; honestly he was my everything at the time. I tried to keep it a secret but it was way too obvious. It was one of those confusing situations…we were on the cusp of being official, people thought we were dating, I thought we were more than friends but I was never sure.
A year ago this month was a magical night. I remember it all, sitting on the small mountain by our house gazing at the city lights, when he asked me out. I remember not breathing, I couldn’t feel my legs, and everything stopped. After what felt like forever to hear those words, I heard them.
The days we were together were amazing, real. I felt like I was beaming, I was always smiling, I never felt more alive.
However, what I thought was my perfect world turned upside down, fast. It didn’t last long. The constant confusion I thought would disappear was still there, and it made things difficult. This was my first time dating someone so I didn’t know what to expect. I tried to fight it and work through it. Nothing worked. I kept thinking, why? Why is this happening? I thought this would be the best thing to ever happen to me…
He broke up with me a few days later and saying he broke my heart was an understatement. Our close friendship and having so much hope, led to this feeling. No one knew how numb I felt, no one believed I could be that heartbroken after a short amount of time being together…little did anyone know I’ve been on this roller coaster of emotions for two years. It was toxic and I knew it but for some reason, it felt good and I kept holding on.
I was so in over my head, I was sad a lot more than I was happy but I kept fighting it, kept believing it would work out. I knew it was love. For months, I cried myself to sleep, lost my appetite, and faked the happiness and smiles I tried so hard to be believable. I was in love for the first time, and he hurt me.
That feeling is so hard to push away and it sucks. Putting your all out there for someone, falling in love for the first time only to end up hurt in the end questioning everything you once had.
So here today, we don’t talk much anymore. We’ve both moved on. We have different lives now, our close friendship we once had slowly drifted away.
I reminisce of course, crazy to think my life was so different a year ago today. We both made mistakes; the biggest one for me was making my whole life revolve around a boy. But I guess that’s love, hell that’s a first love. It’s just so crazy how things can change in the blink of an eye. I’ll never forget it.
