It’s happening.
The panic starts to set, and I am feeling the paralysis move in. I know I am suppressing these emotions because I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable and get hurt again. I have experienced some of the worst let downs and heartbreaks and I refuse to see it happen again.
But there you are. Staring at me with your perfect eyes, giving me that 100-watt smile. You love talking to me, and I love listening. Talking about myself is hard and I feel stupid because I’m used to the criticism. I am used to something toxic, something negative.
I've seen the worst of emotional abuse, and I lost trust in my gut. Am I really seeing the person you are? Or am I wearing my rose tinted shades and being overly optimistic that you are as good as you seem? I have so much skepticism and certainty that things won’t work out.
No one knows the future. But I do know how I feel.
I know immediately if I am attracted to someone. I can tell within fifteen minutes of meeting a guy if they can hold my interest. You had me hooked after five.
I feel like I trust you already. There’s something in your voice when you tell me stories. You are a very open, and honest person and I feel like I know you more every day.
My friends like you and most haven’t even met you. Your actions really do speak louder than words. You've already started proving to me that you aren’t like the rest. You shared your candy bar, hand fed me waffles, and cuddled me until the sun came up. Girls love that shit.
You meet me halfway. I ask you to come over tomorrow, you politely oblige. If you can’t you find a solution. I see you at least once every couple of days.
You are a stand-up guy. You're modest, yet you're honest in your accomplishments. You are self-confident, but not cocky. You could be a huge jerk to girls, and yet you treat me with so much respect and care.
We have an unspoken agreement. We clearly just enjoy being around each other. Who knows what any of it means or where it will go, but for some reason I’m not concerned.
Or am I?
Actually, I'm scared shitless.
Scared to get my hopes up, to get swindled. The voice in my head is screaming “you know better. Stop it”. Time and time again I have allowed myself to get excited when there is ultimately only one path this could take.
Imagine a cynical, tough exterior, with the warm, gooey, “believer in true love” interior. I will protect my heart until the end, but deep down I want to remember how the butterflies feel.
So this is me, laying myself on the line. I refuse to let past mistakes ruin my chances at feeling whole again. I will keep trying until I get it right, although maybe after this I won’t need to try so hard anymore. So, here’s to shutting out the fears and anxieties. I will raise my glass to the girl who is optimistic even after everything she’s faced. She will make it.
