It’s been a short while since we broke up and I’m still missing you; being without you, sleeping alone, waking up alone, going home alone, etc. Maybe things are still just too fresh for me to forget about. Maybe I won’t ever forget. Only time will tell. What I do know for sure is that this pain sucks and I’m tired of feeling it.
I’m not supposed to want to love you anymore. I’m not supposed to want to text or call you anymore. I’m supposed to be angry because of what you did to me. I’m supposed to hate you. I’m supposed to forget you and everything that we had. All of these “supposed to’s” and “not supposed to’s” only makes it hurt that much more.
My friends have been helping me through it, but nothing they do or say can completely make it go away. They tell me that I should be happy with the way things turned out, but how can I be happy with any of this?
I was certain that you were someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. I was hopeful that this was it and I didn’t have to look for Mr. Right anymore. How did it go from that to nothing? How did it go from us being so happy to now there’s just a constant aching pain that isn’t just in my heart, but my whole body? Where’d the future that we always talked about go? How did it just vanish like that?
My heart skips a beat when I see your picture on a friend’s Snapchat story or whenever someone mentions your name or whenever curiosity gets to me and I creep on what little of your social media that I have access to and I see the pictures of you and I or even the ones of just me back when you showed me off or when I see her..
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the “what if’s.” What if we got back together? What if I would’ve done this? What if I wouldn’t have done that? I realize that I made mistakes, pushing you away due to my own insecurities. I had a hard time accepting love and I own that. I can’t change it, but I have learned from it. Part of me wants us back.
“We’ve come too far for us to give up on tomorrow when we’ve shared so many good time yesterdays.”
There’s nights that I can’t sleep and I just lay there wishing you’d come back to me, come home. There’s days that I sit there, barely able to move because I fight myself just to get out of bed, wondering what you’re doing, if you’re okay.
I’ve realized that I tried everything I could. I supported you through everything you wanted/needed in life since I entered it. I sacrificed things in my life for you. I was loyal, even after you broke my heart. I never gave up on you.
I’ve decided that today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Today marks the day that I stop wasting my tears on you. You stopped deserving my tears when you walked out on me. While you’re busy giving up, I’m going to work on bettering myself.
I deserve somebody better than you, someone who won’t treat me the way you did. I didn’t deserve half of what you put me through. I stuck by though because I love you and you were the one I wanted. I just wanted your love, time, and attention. I wanted your affection. I wanted to feel like you cared, like you were proud to have me.
Someday somebody is gonna come in and love me the way that you should’ve. It’s going to be hard to love him back, to offer him the love I was trying to give you.
He’s going to have to deal with a lot of bullshit because of your mistakes. But that’s okay, because the right one will. The right one is going to stick by my side no matter what and he’ll fight for my heart today and every day, just like I deserve.
I love you always, but now I love you silently. I hope your new life is treating you well.
