Until recently, I didn’t realize that “No” was a complete sentence. I’ve spent most of my life trying to make sure everyone else is happy. We’re adorably referred to as “people pleasers” but the reality of living life that way isn’t nearly as cute. To be honest, that shit is exhausting.
My biggest fear had always been someone getting angry with me. The thought of my mom, my best friend, one of my professors, or the guy working the drive-thru at Wendy’s (sorry I didn’t have exact change) being mad at me made me so uncomfortable that I watched every single word that came out of my mouth.
I had a panic attack every time a friend took longer than five minutes to respond to a text and convinced myself that every single one of my brother’s bad moods was caused by something I had done. I tried to be everything to everyone at all times.
The problem in putting other people’s needs first is that you teach them that yours come second. I only had one need most of the time: for everyone to like me. People would often call me “selfless” but after awhile it stopped making me feel good. I was angry and resentful that my loved ones expected so much from me.
It took getting out of an abusive relationship for me to do some serious self-reflection. That’s when I realized I had to stop playing the victim and take responsibility for the standard I was setting on treatment from others.
As I gained confidence in myself, I discovered my voice. I started talking about MY feelings. I said “no” to people without giving endless explanations. I started putting myself first because I realized that my life depended on it.
I set boundaries on my time and energy because I learned my limits. There were people in my life who thought this was selfish of me and that’s okay. Being “selfish” gets a bad rap but there’s nothing negative about practicing self care.
Recently this was put to the test. A very needy family member was attempting to monopolize all of my free time to endlessly talk about the same self-created issues they’d had for years. This person can best be described as an “emotional vampire”: someone who sucks everything out of you and gives nothing in return. When I stopped being so available via the phone, they would bad mouth me to anyone else in the family who would listen.
In no uncertain terms, I let this person know that I needed to take a hiatus from any kind of close relationship with them and that I wouldn’t tolerate anyone talking negatively about me. I went a few months without talking to this family member because that’s what I needed in order to process things and regroup. Now, I’m cordial when I see them at family gatherings but maintain very strict boundaries. I couldn’t be more at peace with the situation.
It feels good to grow some balls. I encourage everyone to try it!
“You always knew that one day you would stand up for yourself…That one day you would raise the standard of your life…That one day you would say to yourself, “Enough with this bullshit”…You might as well make today that day.”