We met when I was only eighteen. You were everything I thought I could ever want in a man.
You made me smile, laugh, you took care of me, and you challenged me in a way that no one else ever had. Sadly, after months and months of trying, we fell apart.
A couple of years later, we tried again. Unfortunately, it ended with the same result. I used to blame time for the reason we couldn't seem to make it work. I thought that we would meet up again when we were older and more mature and somehow everything would fall into place.
We would work just like I knew we were supposed to. However, after another attempt at a relationship together a couple of years later, I realized it wasn't times fault either. So what did I do? I blamed you.
I thought of every possible reason that I could to find you at fault. "You stopped caring. You shut me out. You quit trying." Now that I look back at the time I spent with you I know that none of it was true. You never stopped trying, you never shut me out, and you always loved me.
I know now that the fault was all mine. I should have wanted. You were everything I could have imagined and so much more and I wanted to want you but I didn't.
It has taken years, tear-soaked pillows, and restless nights to realize this. But I want you to know that I am sorry. I never should have blamed you when the fault was clearly mine. I know I should have wanted you, but I just couldn't bring myself to.
The reason why will always be unclear to me. I'm sorry that I hurt you and that you wasted your love on me, a girl who would never truly want you. I really did love you at some point, and I am not sure when that changed. But it did.
I will never be able to bring myself to admit this to you and I doubt that you will every stumble across this letter. But I am writing in hopes that you will find it and stop questioning what you did wrong and realize that I am to blame.
I hope that one day you will find someone who loves you in the way that you loved me, in the way that you deserve to be loved. I know that one day you will find it. I hope that you find someone to grow old and have kids with, to have the perfect family I know you always wanted.
I'm sorry you cannot have these things with me. I know I should want them with you, but for some reason, I cannot bring myself to. So stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. All the blame is to be put on me.
You can hate me if it makes things easier. I only hope that you don't hate me forever and that you can repair the heart that I know I left extremely damaged…
