Sad… just doesn’t cut it.
You feel so much, but yet, you feel nothing at all.
You are so emotionally drained, you are numb and you are left with no hope, no motivation and even getting out of bed is a struggle, that you can’t bring yourself to.
Before you know it, you aren’t even living, just existing.
People think depression is something minor, something just to “get over”, but if it was that easy, we wouldn’t cringe at the thought of it. Those who suffer, know depression is a demon and it is a constant uphill battle.
What is depression?
For many, it’s a nightmare that you are trapped in and no matter how hard you pinch yourself, you can’t wake up. It’s an illness that sucks out every little bit of energy you have, it takes over your thoughts, your brain and eventually your whole life. Fighting to have your life back is so important, but so hard when it has stolen all your motivation. We never really know why we feel this way, especially when there is so much to be grateful for.
But the dictionary says, “Depress- to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.”
If depression was just what the dictionary described it as, I wouldn’t be as scared to face it again, I wouldn’t be as worried about falling into my old slump of not being able to get out of bed. But if depression was only just being sad and lower spirit, I wouldn’t be this strong today.
Even just one second that depression takes from me, is a second too long in my eyes. Although depression has taken many seconds from me, more like months out of my life, I refuse to let it take another day from me. I refuse to suffer alone because I have a voice and people who care for me, people who want to help. The people who seen the potential in me when I had saw none in myself.
Depression has not just stolen from me, but my loved ones. For a while they lost me, they lost my smile, my laugh and the person who they love deeply. The first day I couldn’t get out of bed was when I had first saw the fear in my mom’s eye. A fear of being helpless and not knowing what to do. After cancelling plans with my friends’ time after time and getting a reply of “It’s okay, I understand.” When I wasn’t the one who was understanding, understanding how hard my depression was on them.
It didn’t take long before I had built up these walls that I thought would protect my family and friends. But really I was only worsening their pain by not letting them in, not letting them help me as I would help them. I never distanced myself because I didn’t love them, but because I didn’t love me. They were strong for me, when I was anything but strong.
Now looking back at the hard times, if I could say something to my depression it’s not “I hate you”, “You destroyed me” or any negative words at all. Because being negative is only a part of being depressed and a part I can’t let myself go back to. I would thank my depression. Thank you, for shaping me, for turning me into this caring person who is understanding, who is always ready to lend an ear and always finding the good in the darkest times. Thank you for turning me into this bad ass bitch who is fearless and unstoppable.
In the moment, I thought depression was weakening me, destroying me, making me crumble and collapse to my knees. But really, it was making me grow stronger, wiser and determined, because once you defeat the demon within you, it’s hard to let anything else bring you down.
Although, yes I still struggle somedays. There are even days I lay in bed an extra minute fighting with myself to get up, and those days are the days I am grateful for. Grateful I only stay in bed an extra minute, instead of the whole day, grateful I AM NOT falling into my old slump. Grateful because the hardest struggle of depression is pushing yourself to be better and I will never stop pushing myself.
