I want to go back, back to when it was just “fun” for you and me.
When we first met and would text for hours about everything under the sun. I want to go back to when you wanted to dive into a deep conversation with me just to hear my view on things.
I want to go back to the conversations we had before we met in person – the hours we would spend joking with each other but also lend a hand for support at the same time. We were both going through some tough times when we first started talking. We both had a rough past and were learning more about ourselves every day. You picked me up from the darkest place I had ever been. You showed me there is light at the end of it all. You helped me see the good in the pain I was feeling. You made me understand the purpose of it all. The purpose of learning from the bad and moving forward with the good.
So take me back. Take me back to the first night we met in person. The night we went out for drinks just to listen to one another talk in person for the first time. The same night we couldn’t stop talking to one another.
Take me back to when you took me out for dinner and we sat there for hours laughing and joking with one another. The time when we talked endlessly about life, our dreams, and our goals. The time we opened up and told each other everything, more than anyone had ever known.
Take me back to before, where we had never talked about our feelings for one another. Back before we ever got involved or interested in one another. Take me back to where it was just comfortable and a “good time” with one another. Take me back to where enjoying your company was enough. Take me back to the moment where you looked at me and couldn’t help but to smile.
I know how we felt at that time. When we were eager to just know more about one another and eager to just talk for hours. Take me back to when it was easy with you. Take it back to when the feelings didn’t get in the way. Take me back to when things were less complicated, less work.
Take me back to when I didn’t need to fight for your attention. Take me back to when I didn’t need to explain my feelings to you. Take me back to when I didn’t want to text you every drunken night. Take me back to when I just considered you a good friend.
Take me back to that one night when we went dancing. The night where I felt so alive and I felt so beautiful. The night you danced my worries away and made me feel as if I was the only girl on earth. The same night that we didn’t want time to end. We didn’t want to part ways at the end of that night.
Take me back to a moment where I wasn’t aware of my feelings, before I became so selflessly involved. Take me back to when I was carefree. Take me back to when I didn’t need for your touch or your laughter. Take me back to before things changed. To before my feelings became deep.
I love that we became best friends – the friends who could go to one another for anything, even just for a pick-me-up conversation. Take me back to that. Take me back to when best friends was enough. Take me back to before – before I started thinking about you when you weren’t even around. Take me back to before you became the last thought before bed and my first thought in the morning.
I never asked for this, I wasn’t ready for this.
I now find myself constantly wanting to go back to how things were before – before I fell head over heels. And now here I am, wanting you more than you want me, because friends was always enough for you…but it was only really enough for you if the benefits were a part of it. But that wasn’t enough for me.
Now that all the feelings are out there, you have made it clear that you wish for nothing more than friends. And now here I am forcing myself to not be your friend at all; because I can’t be a friend to someone I want so much more with. I can’t look at you every day without wanting you in another way. I long for you on nights I don’t hear from you. I force myself to not communicate with you. I have pushed myself to getting over you because I thought that would be easier than wanting someone who doesn’t want me. I find myself trying to block the thought of you from my head – in an effort to not allow myself to imagine the “what ifs”.
If only I could go back. If only we could go back to before. When friends and fun was enough.
