The way us guys cope with a breakup is very different than girls. And honestly, it hurts a whole lot more and it seems like most people just ignore the fact that we’re suffering too. Obviously, we’re not the type to call our bro’s crying, but we sure as hell are going to express our emotions in one way or another…
Stage 1: Confusion
We as guys tend to be a little more oblivious to some hints that girls may assume we catch. They could be trying to tell us for weeks that they are trying to end things and we could have no clue. We could even be pushing them away and we wouldn’t even realize. So when girls finally muster the courage to bluntly tell us it’s over, it feels as though the rug has been yanked out from under us. Every. Single. Time.
Stage 2: Self-Destructive Habits
This could come in a plethora of ways but it usually manifests in that one thing we’ve been trying to beat. For me it was smoking. I had been doing pretty well with quitting until she ended things. The moment I got off work that night I bolted to the gas station for a pack of smokes. But for other guys it could include overeating, making thoughtless decisions, or going out way too much.
Stage 3: The Underpants Radius/ Homebody Syndrome
Every man has tested the limits of their radius at some point in their lives, but few times are ever more trying than during breakups. Urban dictionary defines the underwear radius like this.
“The distance a man is able to comfortably travel (from his bed) without pants; the average radius being just the distance to the shower. It is theorized that a man's underpants radius is inversely proportional to his confidence; that is, the farther a man travels from his bed in just his underwear, the less he believes in himself.”
The distance we might travel depends on the amount of self-loathing and our lack of confidence. We might be testing the boundaries by grabbing the mail in our underwear or even going all the way to the bank.
Stage 4: Sadness Induced Heavy Drinking
By this time in the breakup, our friends will have taken us out for a drink in an attempt to clear our heads. But alas, all that happens is emotional drinking. Talking about all of the good things about her and wishing we could have her back. It just all floods us at once and suddenly we’re caught with tears in our eyes in the middle of the bar so we isolate ourselves until we’re calm. It hurts us even more because we allowed someone to see us vulnerable like that.
Stage 5: Excessive Masturbation
I believe this number is self-explanatory.
Stage 6: Anger Induced Heavy Drinking
It could be a few days after the first night out or even weeks, but our friends will attempt to take us out again, hoping for a better outcome. No such luck, this night involves getting just as sloshed. But instead of wanting her back we’re bringing up all the things we hate about her and how we think she’s stupid.
We might question our friends for letting us date her and make ultimatums like, “I’m never dating someone like her again.” But remember, this anger stems from a very broken heart and yeah, we’ll admit this isn’t the healthiest stage but it happens. We just have to ride it out.
Stage 7: “I Can Do Anything”
Ah, the last stage. If you have made it to this stage congratulations, you’re almost over her! However, don’t assume that this is a good stage, it can get us in just as much trouble as the others. Another name for this stage could be “The Barney Stinson” stage. This is the part where we somehow take on a bunch of false confidence and assume that we can do anything in the world.
Some results of this stage could be: Getting into another relationship too quickly, getting married in Vegas to a stripper, starting a random business, hitting on the hottest girl at the bar, and attempting to literally jump onto a train.
Moral of the story is guys suffer just as much as girls. And honestly, if we’re not good with our emotions this isn’t going to be easy for us. So when you see us out and pretending to be totally okay, know that on the inside we’re just sad upset, if not more, as you are.
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