I have some things to admit. Things that I’ve been afraid to say because I’ve been afraid of what the world will think of me. I don’t know why I’ve been afraid to say it, I just always have been. So here it goes. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest.
1. I’m a lazy bum when it comes to doing things that need to be done: like the dishes, or the laundry, or putting away the clothes someone else was gracious enough to do for me. I don’t know why, but it’s really hard to make myself get up and go. I wish I wasn’t like this, and I’ve tried not to be but it’s not something easy to get past.
2. My trust issues aren’t run of the mill: I’m not saying I’m the only person like this. I know there are others out there, but that doesn’t make it any easier. How can you trust someone else when you can’t even trust yourself.
3. I have a temper: In the past it was kept somehow concealed behind this barrier wall that masked everything. No outbursts at random times, no hitting walls, no yelling, nothing. It was all kept under a tight latch and monitored so it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But it’s not so well managed anymore, I yell when I shouldn’t, grit my teeth when I feel myself slipping, and I’ve hit my fair share of solid surfaces in the past few months.
4. I truly don’t think I’m pretty or talented: Please don’t see this the wrong way. Maybe I am gorgeous and maybe I’m not. Maybe I have an amazing gift but I don’t see it. There will always be someone more deserving of the words beautiful and talented.
5. I have always wanted to be someone better: I want to be the smartest, the pretties, the boldest, the most sought after. Because for some reason if I’m not the absolute top. I don’t feel like I’ve tried hard enough.
6. Sometimes I imagine a world that I’m not in: I don’t mean one where I died or just disappeared. I mean one where I never existed and was never even an idea.
7. There’s this cloud that’s permanently settled over me: I’m stuck under this dark shadow that I can’t seem to shake. It snuffs out everything that I try to be happy about. Something happened recently and I should have been anxious but I wasn’t, I was just there. In the moment but a few seconds behind.
8. This cloud has been here for a long time, but it wasn’t always there: A few months ago, there was a bright spot and it seemed like the cloud would finally be destroyed. A few years before there was another clear space. But in the end it always comes back.
9. I love my family and friends, but most of the times I feel like an accessory: I’ve never been that one person that was missed. If my family held a reunion it’s likely that only a few people would notice I was missing. It’s like they don’t not want me there, I’m just something that arrives with them. Like I’m just a package deal and I don’t exist outside of someone else.
10. I wish I was a better person: Someone once told me that I was the best person I could be, but they weren’t telling me the truth. I’ve been the supreme version of myself and who I am today is not her. I wish I could be someone better. Someone worthy of this life I’m living. I deserve the bad parts, but when the good comes it’s something so far past my worth that I can’t help but wish that my parents had the daughter they deserved.
