Dates, birthday’s and anniversary’s have different meanings to all of us. But as a motherless daughter, these events are even more significant. To some, these dates are engraved in our minds and each year we find ourselves coming to another one.
We cry, we laugh, and remember our special person again. As time passes we cross another milestone. Every time one hits, we think about her. We can’t help it but even the happy moments are still sad without her.
1. When her birthday passed this year, I felt heartbreak all over again.
My mother’s birthday is usually a happy occasion for me. This year was significant. I could hear my mother’s voice and her words when she would have told me, “I am ready to be a grandmother now!” As I think back to her best friend becoming a grandmother for the first time. My heart broke knowing she will not be here when that time comes. I realized how much has changed. How I imagined my life would be versus what it has become.
2. The anniversary of her death is the worst day of the year to me.
Although I am prepared for it. I take this day to myself. I reflect on my own loss, I reflect on the changes I have made and experienced. This milestone marks a growth spurt. Far enough in the past that a majority of the new people in my life have never met my mother before. This anniversary also reminds me not to take this life for granted. That life is short and that we can leave this world in a blink of an eye.
3. Even my birthday is empty without her.
It’s a horrible feeling to look back and remember all the smiles and laughs that used to surround this day. It was the happiest day of the year for me that I’d look forward to for months at a time. But now, I dread it. I don’t want to spend this day doing anything but missing her. I feel selfish to celebrate another year on this earth without her. This will mark yet another birthday without the person who made my life possible.
5. This is the mark of another day spent as a motherless daughter.
All this time and I’m still learning to live on my own and part of the motherless daughter club. This year, I thank all of those who helped me survive, who pulled me up off the floor and pushed me to keep fighting. Those who stood by my side and those who have joined me on the way. Thank you for your support.
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