For years I never knew what asexual, greyasexual, or demisexual was and because of that I never labeled myself. I knew I wasn't straight, but I couldn't put a name to who I was or what I was feeling because I didn't know that there was a word. I didn't know that what I was feeling was a real thing…I always just listened to everyone around me when we talked about sex and intimacy and believed that I was just a virgin and that I was nervous to have sex for the first time. But, then one day I stumbled upon the definitions greyasexual, asexual, and demisexual and through a while of trying to figure things out suddenly said the words aloud to myself. "Panromantic greyasexual" and for the first time a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I felt right, I felt as if I had finally found myself. I knew from then on out that this was who I was, at least for now. But, what I didn't know was all of the doubts, all of the pain, all of the confusion, and all of the invalidity that I was going to have to suffer through from then on. I didn't know what the life of being someone on the asexual spectrum meant. But, I'm learning and these are the things I've learned thus far that I think everyone should know, espcially if they have an asexual spectrum person in their life.
Every time I tell someone that I am greyasexual the first thing that happens is they invalidate me, immediately. I know they don't do it on purpose, that they just don't understand and that's okay for me as long as the person is willing to try to understand. But, what a lot of people may not realize is that them invalidating me isn't the worst part, it's me then going and invalidating myself as well. I've never talked to another asexual spectrum person that doesn't invalidate them self every day of their life. It's not that we don't believe that this isn't who we are, it's that we are scared that we're wrong. We start to believe the people around us telling us that "we just need to find the right person", "things will change when you're no longer a virgin", and so much more. We start to wonder, well what if they're right. I wonder if the people around me are right. What if I am just scared? But, that's not true. I know those of you who are not on this spectrum may not understand, how could you? But, my sexuality is valid and you're only making things worse by doing to me what I'm already doing to myself everyday.
This is who I am, right now. I am greyasexual and because of that I struggle everyday. I wonder if I'll ever find another human that will accept that about me. Because really who wants to be with someone who doesn't have the same sex drive as them? It's a human instinct to want sex, to find pleasure in sex, so why would someone ever want to be with another person that may not get enjoyment out of those things? Or they may never be able to have sex with. But, what I want you to know is that just because we don't necessarily have the same sex drive as you, it doesn't mean sex is out of the question. Or if we do enjoy sex, it doesn't mean we aren't ace/greyace/demi. Being on this spectrum just means that sex is different for us and all we want is someone that understands that and when the time comes will be willing to compromise with us. But, at the same time we fear that we will never find that person. It causes a lot of rejection and ruined relationships and it gets harder every time.
Being apart of the LGBTQ+ community, being accepted, is hard. Most people believe that everyone in this community is accepting of one another. But, really that isn't true. I've never personally experienced this, but I know other ace spectrum people have. They get rejected by other LGBTQ+ people, especially if they're heteromantic, because some don't see us the same way and that's hard. It's hard when non-LGBTQ+ people reject us, but it's even harder when out own community does as well. It makes us wonder if we're normal, if this is real. It makes us so confused and hurt because we just want to be accepted.
In the end, there's a lot of struggling that goes on with being on the asexual spectrum. It's constant confusion, pain, anger, and sadness, but it's also so amazing because there's a word, and a definition for the things that we are feeling. I remember being so lost before finding out what greyasexual meant and then when I did I finally felt normal and even though that feeling isn't constantly there and I struggle every day, I'm glad that I know who I am. And I want anyone reading this to walk away with a better understanding of who we ace spectrum people are and what we go through so that next time someone comes out to you, or the person you like tells them this part about themselves maybe you'll remember this and your response will be different then it would've been before because in the end all we want is to be validated and accepted just like everybody else.
