Numb. Just numb. Every day I wake up I’m numb to it all. All the good and all the bad life has to offer. No reaction coming from me whatsoever, I’m just there physically. Physically just going through the motions just to survive. Every once in a while this “reality” hits me and that’s when I break down and cry. This numb that I am talking about pretty much describes my life after our breakup and here it is 9 months after.
9 months ago, the only moment in time that I can remember every.single.detail. That day was a week after my grandfather died. A week after, without any hesitation that you call off of work to be there for me during my difficult time. A week after you agreed to me a pallbearer for my grandfather’s funeral. That day I will never forget the look that was on his face, it said it all. That look was one type that I would have given up my life to change. The look of it being over. He had given up. Given up on the beauty that we had created together over the past year. Given up on me. Given up on love. Given up on everything we had together.
That night my whole life flashed before my eyes. It was the night I lost my world, my best friend, and my purpose. I not only lost him. I lost myself, his family (that I considered to be like my own), and my drive in life. He didn’t know how bad my depression was. He didn’t know that HE was what kept me going in life. He didn’t know that after that night that I’d give up on myself. He didn’t know that 9 months later after all the names he’s called me, all the lies he’s told, after cheating, after making me want to die day after day. He didn’t know that I’d say Thank You.
Thank you for showing me that people don’t keep their word, thank you for making my realize that my whole life shouldn’t be focused around one person, thank you for making me realize how gullible of a person I am to believe lies from a guy who promised forever, thank you for allowing me to develop a relationship with the Lord while I am on this dark path, and most importantly thank you for leaving. Leaving me allowed me to get lost in the huge world. Leaving me with the chance to get to explore life, the part that if I was still with you I would have never gotten to experience. Leaving me allowed me to feel pain, the pain that nothing but time can fix. Although the feeling of “numb” is something that I experience every day, I know that I am better off without you.
I know that if he reads this article he will probably laugh and think I’m ridiculous to still be caught up on this. He will probably grab all his friends and get them to comment of how stupid this is. But this is my life, this is what heartbreak can do. Although I’m still healing and it will be a very long road ahead I know that God is still perfecting my man.