You are known as the crowd pleaser, you can make everyone laugh when they are at their lowest, you brighten a room up just with your presence.
Everyone describes you as outgoing, and full of life, you’re a ray of sunshine. Going out with friends, you seem to be the happiest, you can drink and make any of the emotions you were hiding behind that smile go away. You are the life of the party, you keep the laughs going and everyone’s spirits high.
But it’s when the party is over and the door closes that terrible demon within you comes out.
Your smile shifts, your laugh fades, and with it, the world darkens. You are left with no emotions, completely numb, you aren’t sure what to feel or if you can even feel anything. You are coming off your high, the high that you got from making others laugh and smile.
You feel empty. Confused on why someone that was just so happy and full of life could feel this way. With that empty feeling you start to feel weak. You can’t seem to find inner happiness.
It’s like you can only find the brightness when others are around, you feed off of their smile and laugh. But inside, you’re hurting, yelling for help, but are afraid to reach out.
You’re afraid people might not believe you because you always seem so happy around others. Or even worse, you’re afraid people will think you are weak or faking it because you always seem to smile around other people.
When in reality, you’re hiding behind that smile. You protect your loved ones by making them laugh, because the last thing you want them to see is that you’re struggling. You fear that if they find out they could blame themselves.
You fear the questioning, “are you really depressed?” and “how can you be so happy one second but then so empty the next?” These are the questions you ask yourself but have no answers to.
You feel crazy and alone… Unable to deal with your emotions, you push them aside and surround yourself with people. You make them laugh and smile. You brighten their day and feed off their smiles to fuel your own.
But it’s when that door closes that the demon returns and your world darkens. And it turns into a vicious cycle.
