Let’s get one thing straight: I'm not purposely shutting you out, I'm trying to protect you from all the horrors inside my head.
It’s hard for me to explain exactly how I feel to myself, let alone explain it to you. I'm not trying to push you away or make you feel irrelevant.
It’s just hard for me to express the horrifying thoughts that race through my mind every single day. It seems like I can't escape them; when I close my eyes, all I see is darkness.
When I’m in (what's supposed to be) a happy environment with the ones I love, all I want to do is scream and let out every dark thing inside of me.
I can’t let go of the things that haunt me because I don't know why or how they got in my head. How could I possibly explain them to you?
I don’t know how I came to be this way and I don’t know why some days are better than others. I don’t know how I learned to hide it so well and I definitely don't know how to make it better.
It’s as if one step forward pulls me five steps back. One thing after the other happens and it feels like the entire universe is out to get me.
I imagine the universe itself laughing at me saying, “Who the hell cares! Let’s give her one more obstacle to trip over! It’ll be fun to watch her entire being deteriorate more and more each day.”
And I am so sorry that you're forced to bear witness to the fact that I hide behind four dusty walls each day of my miserable life.
Every day I wake up, get dressed, paint a smile on, go to school, go to work, shower, sleep, rinse and repeat. It’s a sad, painful, disgusting routine that I did not ask for.
Am I depressed? No. Am I angry? No. Am I sad? No. Am I happy? No.
Am I numb for reasons unknown? Yes. Why? I don’t know.
What I do know is this: I love you and I am not trying to push you away.
I'm sorry my emotions get to me most of the time and I'm sorry that you feel like you're nothing to me. I hope one day I'm able to verbalize that you are so much more than what I make you out to be.
I hope you will one day be there to understand that this is me locking my own self away inside the unknown depths of my head, depths that have yet to be discovered.
I'm trapped in my own world, one that only I can understand. I hope I can share it with you one day.
Not in the hopes that you’ll be dragged into feeling the same way I do, but in the hopes that you can pull me out of this deep, dark pit that is similar to Wonderland.
That is, if Wonderland was a dark hole beneath the Earth filled with shadows and gray clouds with nothing but a fog that looms over your head twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
I am not shutting you out and I am not trying to seek attention. I am trying to better myself without putting the burden on others, but sometimes I am just one forced smile away from breaking apart completely.