It’s embarrassing to know that I spent months working up the courage to face my strange father and ask him to walk me down the aisle, and it only took him two seconds to leave me broken hearted for the millionth time.
“Dad, I’ve prayed every day that the right words would find me and I’d muster up the courage to come to you and ask you this. No matter how shakey our past has been or how much turmoil we’ve been through, you will always be my dad and there is no one else I’d rather have walk me down the aisle than you.”
And all he muttered was a faint, “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
This is a hurt that digs deeper than ever before. My own father, my own blood, doesn’t care enough about me to even show up at my wedding. Maybe it was too much to ask after all this time, but I don’t think it’s a bridge too far for him to at least show his face at his daughter’s wedding. For him to be there for the ceremony and support his daughter for once in his life.
To think of all the time I wasted stressing over how I was going to ask him, all the panic attacks I suffered through, terrified of seeing his face for the first time in forever, how could I be so stupid to think he changed?
Growing up, he proved to me time after time that he was the exact opposite of a good person. He fit the role of ‘deadbeat dad’ in every sense of the phrase. He left us with absolutely nothing, cutting us all out of his life like it was easy for him. When I was younger didn’t understand how someone who’s supposed to love you more than anyone else, could be capable of so much hurt. And now I realize he’s still the exact same sad excuse of a man he’s always been.
The more I think about it, the more I get filled with the same hate I felt for him all those years ago. It comes flooding back with such intensity that I can’t breathe. I would never put a child through even a day of what he’s put me through. I would never turn someone away after they were so vulnerable and open in front of me. He has no heart and no business being anyone’s “father figure.”
And the thing is, I wasn’t even looking for an apology, I just wanted him to look me in the eye and be the man I always needed him to be. This was his chance to redeem himself and instead of he showed what a deadbeat person he’s always been.
I probably should’ve known. Growing up, he wanted nothing to do with me, so why did I think that he might want to be part of my life now? When he and my mom separated I was devastated, but honestly, that was nothing compared to how empty this makes me feel.
Because now, here I am, years later, still stuck in that stupid mindset, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m embarrassed and devastated all over again by the same man who was never there for me in the first place. I wasn’t good enough for him then, so I sure as hell wouldn’t good enough for him now.
I feel pathetic that even after all this time, I still crave his approval. I want him to be proud of me so badly that I let it affect me to this day. It’s sad to say my heart is forever a little empty because it’ll always be missing the love every little girl deserves, but I never got. I wish I could wipe my history clean of him and pretend he never existed, but there’s this part of me that still loves him so deeply. How is it that I can hate someone so thoroughly and still crave their presence in my life?
I may never know what it’s like to feel supported by my father or know what it’s like to have him walk me down the aisle, but at least I know I’m a better person than he’ll ever be.
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