It’s been awhile since you physically left the relationship, but even longer since you emotionally checked out. And yet still, you can’t help but wish you did things differently.
The last thing you wanted to do was break his heart, you’d never want to hurt anyone– it’s just not in your nature. He had dedicated his entire life to you, doing everything in his power to make you smile every day, and yet it was never enough. Instead, you broke his heart and handed it back to him.
It was awful, watching his face sink as you told him you couldn’t do it anymore. There was nothing you could do but sit as he scrambled and tried make sense of the words coming from your mouth, attempting to piece together when everything went south and how he could’ve possibly missed all the warning signs.
This boy you once cared so deeply for grabbed onto you and sobbed, begging you to change your mind. It fucking hurt to see him break down right before your eyes because of something you decided to finally do. And that’s why now you can’t shake this feeling that you don’t deserve anything good in life. It’s just a waiting game until karma makes its way back around to you and knocks you off your feet.
You wish you had listened more, showed you cared more, loved more, because when you left you acted cold. You didn’t fight because you realized there was nothing left you could do.
You hadn’t been in love in quite sometime– it had nothing to do with him. The truth is, you had never really opened yourself up to love someone who had given all of himself to you. Slowly you were beginning to realize this life wasn’t what either of you wanted, it wasn’t true to his feelings or yours, and suddenly that became the only thing you thought about.
He deserved more than what you were capable of giving and you knew that for a while. He deserved a kiss in the morning and a kiss goodnight. A head on his shoulder after a long day and a word to remind him that he was your only one.
He didn’t deserve to hear ‘…thanks’ after he kissed you on the forehead or to be turned down when he asked you to snuggle. He didn’t deserve to be runner up to your friends or to constantly be left on read when he texted you throughout the day. It felt impossible for you to make him a priority in your life because your heart just wasn’t in it, which is why it was best that you let him go.
Despite everything, that hasn’t stopped you from feeling like a part of you is missing since he’s been gone. He was your best friend and you broke his heart. Now you’re suffering the consequences.
But here’s the thing, when you let him go you set the both of you free. You will always love him, but you knew that he needed more than the love you could give. You realized life would be so much harder now, but you were willing to live that way if it meant giving you both a chance at what you deserve. You thought about his needs before your own and admitted to your inability to fulfil them– that’s called maturity and you should be proud of yourself.
And now, no matter how difficult it may be, you have to forgive yourself. It’s a horrible feeling to disappoint someone you cared about, even though it was truly never your intention to do so. But sometimes life hands you obstacles you’re not ready for and the only thing you can do is learn from them.
You need to realize that it is simply impossible to please everyone in this world. If you said ‘yes’ to everything, you’d be making everyone other than yourself happy. You can’t possibly love every soul in the same way they love you, then you wouldn’t be able to differentiate when you find a real connection with someone.
In life, it is necessary to be selfish and follow your gut at the risk of hurting other people. Unfortunately, in this case, it means breaking the heart of someone who never deserved it. But it gets better, I promise.
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