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The Unfair Reality of Being a Woman Who Can't Be a Mother

A while back, I found out that I most likely can't be a mother. I can try, but there's a high chance it will never happen for me.

Having lots of kids around me all the time, I perpetually hear, "you'd be such an amazing mom." And the hardest part is, I know I would. 

I know I'd be an amazing mom and there's nothing I want more than to be able to raise tiny humans.

Every day another person on my Facebook feed announces a pregnancy. The girls in high school who constantly said they never want kids are now on their second.

It's not fair. It's not fair that all of these people get to be moms and I never will be.

"You can always adopt."

Yeah, I know. I know I can adopt and adoption is a great option, but it's not the same. It's not the same as carrying my child inside of me and giving birth to this human that is now entirely dependent on me.

Every day, I fear the words "when are you two planning on having kids?"

Every time I take my nieces out in public and I hear, "you'd be such great parents," my heart shatters.

I know, I know, I'm being "dramatic." Lots of people deal with it. I'm just supposed to get over it and move on.

"Accept the things you can't change."

"Just think of all the things you can do with the money you save without kids."

I know these things are said in order to be helpful, but they aren't helpful. It just makes it worse. Because it's just not fair. It's not fair that you have two kids when you told me a million times you never wanted to be a mother. 

It's not fair that drug addicts get to become parents and I don't. It's not fair that all these people, these people who don't want or don't deserve kids get them, and I don't.

So why? Why is it that you get to be so blessed and I don't? What did I do wrong?

But the answer is nothing. 

I didn't do anything wrong and that's the worst part.The worst part is knowing there is nothing I could've done to change it.

And now I spend everyday hoping and praying no one says "Aw, when are you guys having kids?"

Because I'm still not ready to face the answer: "Never."