Do you know what it feels like to crush someones hopes and dreams? I do. To destroy their happiness and all hopes of love? I do. To break their trust over and over again and make them feel like they aren’t even worth it? I do.
And it haunts me everyday.
I cheated on him. I cheated on my boyfriend awhile ago. Before we even got engaged. (You’re probably thinking, what a dirt bag… and yeah, you’re probably right.) And in my mind, I don’t know what I was thinking. When you love someone, you don’t cheat on them. I knew that, and I couldn’t marry him, knowing I would be living a lie. He was better off without me, and I did it for me just as much as I did it for him. And let me tell you, it completely and utterly tore my heart apart. No one could understand, and I didn't expect anyone too.
Not because it was something I had to do for my own happiness. But it was because I knew what devastation I would cause to a person that I did love and I couldn't let him marry me. I did care for him, more than anyone probably ever could. But that’s the thing, sometimes, you might love someone, but they won’t be the right one for you. It is silent, but we know if something isn’t right. Is it greed? Is it selfishness? Maybe. I knew what I had to do. Why’d I let it go on for so long? Was I afraid of being alone? Was I afraid of what others might think?
I know love, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have been through the most painful of heartbreaks, and that was the one. I never thought we would be so serious. I never thought I would be the one to shatter his precious heart. He adored me, he trusted me, and I was going to be his future wife and I completely broke him. I could see it in his eyes as he plead with me when I gave him back the ring and moved out, saying I needed space. But that wasn’t why. I knew I messed it up for good, and that what I did, I could never undo. He could never trust me again, and I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't start over, I forever ruined and tainted our love and our relationship for some fling.
It is my fault.
I take the blame, because I ruined it. I ruined my happiness and his. I knew it could never be, and I distanced myself. I destroyed us and gave stupid reasons for why I couldn’t be with him. But he didn’t really do anything wrong, maybe a couple things, but who doesn't? But if you love someone, you don’t just leave. You don’t cheat. But that's really all I knew, if you got bored, you did something to make it fun. And obviously, I was wrong.
I am not perfect, and I will live with this for the rest of my life. But at 22 years old, how could I know what love really is you ask.. but I do. I know every inch, hurt, pain, happy, sad, joyful, exciting moment of it. I know the stages, I know the languages. I know that it applies to me too.
As I am on my journey of finding love again, loving someone else, and loving myself. I know I can’t ever cheat again. It destroys you, and you're relationship. That love, is not cheating, or selfish, or mean. But kind, respectful, and honest. That you put the other’s feelings and emotions ahead of your own. That is love. We need to relearn it. Because this society and our day and age, it’s okay to just casually cheat and get away with it. But little do we know what it does to us, inside and out. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth throwing a relationship away like that, but instead be bold and courageous enough to know when to spilt and when to keep trying. Don’t make excuses, but rather take ownership for what you do wrong, and live a guilt free conscious. We aren’t meant to live with regret or by the chains that bound our minds by our stupid mistakes.
I messed up, big time.. and I am working my way over the pain and the sting of guilt I feel. They thought it was easy and selfish and cruel of me. That I wanted someone else, but if I am truly honest, and all fake facades away, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but my life is just a lesson, for people to stop and think. I know we aren’t perfect, and we will hurt and disappoint others. Yet, we can keep trying, each and every day to make things right and to leave this place a little better than when we got here. So I am sorry, I messed up, I destroyed a relationship, an engagement, hopes and dreams of many, but I am sure you have to or will at some point. And I recommend learning from those moments, not just brushing them aside. A heart can only take so much, and mine, well I tell it every day, I am sorry, I love you. Just keep doing what’s right, what is true, what is honest, what is pure. Have good intentions, but be smart. Don’t fall for lies, or temporary pleasures. There’s a lot more out there than what we seem to scratch at. So here I am, confessing because living with guilt is not how I was made to live, in hopes that he'll one day forgive me. It will take time, but in time, I hope he sees why I did what I did, and that he truly learns to love again. Not everyone is messed up, and I was for a time. But I am finding the way back, and that in itself, is the humbling part.
#bemorehuman