Casual dating is fun. It is nice to have someone around that you can grab drinks, hang out with, or even sleep with. But sometimes it's not always that much fun. I know that for sure. In the last few years, online dating has spiked within the millennial generation. I was a Serial Online Dating Queen for 2.5 years. I have gone out on maybe a total of 50 dates. I lost count after a while. Most of them were repeats or guys I dated. And no, I did not sleep with every single of them. I have been out on some great ones but I figured it would be a great laugh for you and I if you could read the five most awful, worst, and weird possible dates that I have ever been on. And I mean ever.
- The first one has clinched the top for being the absolute worst one yet.
I was about 20 years old. I matched this guy, we’ll call him John, and he seemed nice for the most part. He was 28. The only thing about him was he was so sexual and thats a complete turn off for me. He would always include some kind of sexual innuendo into the conversation. I would say “like I don't want to do my homework” and he would respond with “I bet. I wish I could do you though.” Crazy stuff like that. He kept bugging me and bugging me to hang out with him. So finally, I agreed, super reluctantly. I told him to meet me after my 5:00 class near the Starbucks downtown. He showed up and everyone and their mother could tell he was so nervous. Also, as I type this, his hair was super greased up and spiked like this dude was trying out to be in a rock star and he knew he was not getting accepted. Back to the story, as I was finishing up work, he goes, “Where do you want to go to eat?” In my mind,
YOU HAD 6 WEEKS TO PLAN THIS OUT AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON’T HAVE A PLAN?!?! Out loud, I said “Oh. If a guy asks me out on a date then I make him pick the place.” He looked at me super confused and shocked. He then shrugged his shoulders and said “Let’s walk around and see what we find.” Everyone can imagine my face when he said that. I quickly responded with “I don't feel l like walking around to find a place. My backpack has my laptop in it along with books for class. Just pick a place.” He kept insisting that he did not know where to take me and that he wanted to find a good place. I rolled my eyes and put everything away and we left Starbucks to go find a place to eat.
I swear we walked around for at least 15 minutes. I’m sweating again from how heavy my backpack was even though I had practice that morning. Finally, we picked a place….Wingsharts….Downtown….Right…Next…To…The…Starbucks. Annoyed didn't even touch on how I was truly feeling. We got our table and you could tell that he was so nervous because the conversation was not flowing now that he was in front of me. So I suggested we play two truths and a lie. *If you don’t know how to play, you say two truths about yourself and one lie and the person or people that you are playing with have to guess the lie.* So mine are funny and light hearted. Like I have never left the country, I have a fear of birds, and I have tattoos. So clearly you can guess the lie. The ones he had started out like that and then they quickly turned to the worst. I remember this vividly. Get your popcorn ready kids. It’s his turn. He smiles and goes, “I’ve got a good one.” He looks me dead in the eye and says “I’ve had sex with 77 women, I have a pregnant women fetish, and I love sucking on toes.” I choked on water. I begged God to take me away from this date. I wanted to be washed of my sins. I was praying our waitress would come rescue me. I was like “UHM… I hope its none of them…” He laughed as though I made a great joke. “No. One of them is the lie….” I said the toes. And he goes “Good guess!” THANK YOU BABY JESUS ALLAH, GANESH THAT OUR WAITRESS BROUGHT OUR FOOD AT THAT EXACT MOMENT.
He paid for the check and he asked me if I needed a ride back to my place. I was like “No thanks. I’ll just take the shuttle back.” AGAIN, HE KEPT INSISTING AND I CAVED AGAIN. WHY?! I DON’T KNOW. So I walked to his car that looked like the Kia in the commercials with the hamsters. And I said under my breath, “Oh dear lord, save me.” So he opened the door for me, which was the gentlemanly thing he did all night. And I had to direct him to my house. He tried to hold my hand and such and I kept thinking “BRUH.” We hit a red light and he turned my head towards him and tried to kiss me. I slapped his hand away from me and I told him, “I don't kiss on the first date.” He smiled and said, "Ok" but in a way like I’m going to convince you otherwise. You all know I don't stand for that. I rolled my eyes and didn’t speak.
THANK YOU UNIVERSE THAT IT WAS NOT A LONG DRIVE. He pulled in front of the house and he got out to walk me to the door. I quickly told him that it was okay and to text me when he got home. He still got out and tried to kiss me. DUDE!!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING???? Again, I told him, “I do not kiss on the first date. Quit trying.” He then said, “Okay then. Can I have a hug goodnight?” “You just don’t quit do you?” I said out loud. He laughed and said “Nope!” Went in for the hug and he reached down for my waist and then MOVED HIS HAND DOWN TO MY BUTT AND SQUEEZED IT. I was like “are you f*^&%ing kidding me??” He touched my face and smiled. “That was the best part of the date for me.” YO THERE WAS A HIGHER FORCE WATCHING OVER YOU BECAUSE YOU ALMOST GOT THE HANDS SON! I stormed into my house and vented to Jake about the horrible date. Three days later, this kid texted me saying how he got a great time and wanted to go out again.
I told him how much of a pig I thought he was and I never wanted to talk to him again. A few months ago, I accidentally swiped right to him. Yes, accidents happen. He apologised for being so rude and having disgusting behaviour. He asked me for another chance. Thank you Tinder Team for adding GIFS to the keyboard. I used all that I could to deny him as best as possible.
*Oh he also told me how he was having sex with this girl on a water bed and she kept getting sick and they couldn't figure out why….They figured it out…she got "sea sick" easily"*
2) The next one was almost as bad.
So this guy I sat next to in my International Economics class came up one day while I was swiping. He was really attractive so I figured lets see if we match. We did. *TWERK* We talked for a little bit and he asked him if I wanted to grab something to drink and of course I said yes. So we went out a few days later and he was really intelligent and could carry a conversation. #blessed. We had a really good time on our first date that we made plans for a second one. We went to a bar pretty close between both of us. We got onto the topic of politics. *MISTAKE NUMBER 1* He told me he was a Bernie supporter. But the way this dude talked, honest to God, I thought he was the most right winged nut job I had ever imagined. He unleashed onto me how the wage gap was a myth ESPECIALLY against miniorities, micro aggressions against women and minorities didn’t exist, that #BLACKLIVESMATTER made the mistake of not adding TOO into it, that racism is like barely alive *he at least recognised that it was still in the cracks of society*, how the LGBT community was only considered about marriage, how abortion was murder, how gun violence in the states is not that bad, and the list went on.
Guys…..I do not know how I kept it together for two hours. We all know how I am. I almost freaked out on a kid in my HR class for saying the maternity leave in Sweden was too outrageous and that 12 weeks unpaid in the States was a lot of time. I decided to just listen to what he had to say instead of attacking him. But every time I responded, HE WOULD SHUT ME DOWN AND NOT LISTEN. In my mind, I’m like “someone get this dude before I do.” It’s one thing to talk about this stuff but it’s nothing not to listen to the other side. He was listening with intent to reply and not with intent to understand. I gave him receipts for days. AND I MEAN DAYS. It did not matter. I don't remember what I said because I drank so much to even be able to deal with him. But it was enough for him to get the check, pay for it *which he made me split*, and take me home. We never spoke after that and with good reason.
3) This next one was weird
So this one was when I was living in Oakland. This guy and I matched and he wanted to talk me out so soon. I mean the next day. He suggested the cheesecake factory. UHM yesssss Red Velvet cheesecake. So we went. He picked me up. He seemed nice but just really shy. I normally wait at least two weeks and stalk them VIA all kinds of social media as possible. Hell, I’ll even find you on LinkedIN if I have to. No shame in my FBI skills. So we got to talking and such. I always ask the same questions, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” “What’s one thing you accomplished on your bucket list?” “How is your relationship with your parents?” “Do you have a passport?” “What’s your favourite book and why?”. This dude gave me nothing and I mean nothing. So I was like Jesus save me now. So our date ended and he drove me home. Next day he told me he wanted to have a second date soon. I was like Okay. Maybe he just was really nervous. Ill give him another chance. He said he wanted to cook me dinner. Hell yeah, cook me dinner. But then out of nowhere as we were talking, he goes “Listen I’m getting older and I really want a girlfriend. I could see that being you. I want to get married and have kids. I want to introduce you to my mom whenever I cook you dinner because I live with her.” WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F@@$. IS. GOING. ON?!
I quickly shut that down like Chick-Fil-A on Sunday. I was 20 years old and was leaving the country for a year. And the worst part is that was not the first someone had told me they wanted to marry me. I’m not talking like we were dating and such. I mean out of the blue, Taylor I want you to have my kids and be my wife type stuff. UGH. My life.
4) Okay this one actually happened in London.
So I used dating apps in London which was actually really fun to use. I matched with this chemical engineer. We chatted for a few days and then he told me after one of his classes he wanted to take me out. I agreed. However, being in a foreign country alone, I was so nervous so I asked Anthony, Scott, Jermaine, Jazz, and Hannah to spy on my date. LOL. and they agreed to it! So we went on Oxford Street and I stood alone as they stood close by and watched me. At first, I made awkward eye contact with someone that was not Will and Immediately thought I was being catfished. But eventually I found him and he took me to get fish and chips. I know, how romantic. My friends got a table right next to us. Literally right next to us. I kept laughing at random moments because I would make awkward eye contact with Jazz or Scott. He and I walked around Baker Street and Marylebone as well. We got drinks and ended up having a really great.
*I just want to say now, thank you to my friends for spying on my date to ensure nothing went wrong and that I was safe. Love you guys*
So Will and I ended up seeing each other a few more times after that actually. It was a couple days before Valentines day. He was supposed to come to school and hang out with me for a little bit but he ended up getting really drunk at a school function and wanted me to meet him near the McDonalds near school. So Jazz walked me and we hung out with him. He was extremely drunk and it was so obvious. The tube closes at midnight and it was 1130 and I didn’t want him to miss his train. So I said to him, “Will, can I walk you to the train line to make sure you get on the right one?” He looked at me and I swear to God it was like fire was coming out of his eyes. He said “Can I talk to you outside darling?” and I said “Sure.” We get outside and he goes , “Don’t you ever f&^*ing embarrass me like that in front of your friends. I have lived her for f#@$ing 12 years and you have been here for a few weeks you yank. *yank is like a slang word for americans but in a bad way* If you ever try some shit like again, we are through.” We all know how I am. We all know what I’m about. We all know how intense I am. I. Was. Speechless. The fact that he had the audacity to speak to me like this and the fact that he thought he was big and bad against me. Immediately, I told him to never speak to me like that again and that I was worried about his safety. After about 3 minutes of arguing, he tries to kiss me. LIKE EXCUSE ME?! I pushed him away and said “are you kidding me?” He rolled his eyes at me and walked away. I went back to school with Jazz. The next day he texted me, apologising profusely and telling me how sorry he was and blah blah blah. I heard none of it. I did not go out with him. I forget what I actually did on Valentines day. But soon after, I started dating my ex.
5) Last one. I saved the best for last honestly. I am so sorry to my family members who are reading this one.
The summer, I came home from England, I was back on the dating grind again. Why? I don't know. I was bored and needed to meet new people. Went a few small dates. They were okay. This one guy I went out with. He was really sweet. So I figured, I'd go out with him to get free food.
*YES SOMETIMES I USED TINDER TO GET FREE FOOD OR DRINKS. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL SOMETIMES PEOPLE. FIGHT ME ABOUT IT.*
We actually went to the bar I work at now. The conversation was flowing really nicely and we were having a good time. I don't remember what I said but I think I asked, “Is there anything about you I should know about?” He looked me dead in the eye… EVERYONE GET READY…..Told me that he had been in jail. I’m thinking, “Oh maybe for drugs or maybe he was detained for a night, something small like that.” NAH BRUH. I laughed and said “You aren’t going to tell me it was murder or anything like that.” He looked me dead in my eye and said “Yeah actually it was.”
YUP. READ IT AGAIN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME. MURDER.
He went to jail for six years for manslaughter. He told me the full story about what happened and it was intense. He told me jail is nothing like you see in the movies and whatnot. That he made some good friends in jail and that he was glad to be home. In my mind, I was like, “Taylor. Run out now. Leave. Go.” But I stayed for some dumb reason. When it hit 10 pm, he was like oh I have to go. It’s curfew. I was like Lord yes. He wanted to walk me to my car which was right next to the bar. And I was like Oh God. Thankfully, there were people walking up and down the street. He kissed me on the cheek goodnight and asked me if he could see me again. I lied and said I was starting a new job soon so I would have to see what my schedule looked like. BLOCKED, Deleted, Exiled that man so quick. Yup. I went out with a murderer guys.
And that was my top 5 worst dates of all time. Currently retired a Serial Online Dating Queen but hey at least I can make you laugh
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