Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning.
Every piece of my heart aches with memories and all I want is to have you back.
I want everything to go back to the way it was when we spent every single day together, laughing and adventuring and never sleeping.
I miss watching your face tell me exactly what you were thinking from across the room and I miss snuggling up next to you on the couch.
I miss laying in bed watching the ceiling fan spin for so long that we forgot we had to be up for work in two hours.
I miss jam sessions in the car with the windows down, and how even though our lives were as messy as the wind made my hair, we were in it together.
I miss feeling like somebody out there was never going to give up on me.
But then you did.
You left me before I even knew you were gone. You abandoned me in ways that weren't obvious at first: you called less, stopped answering my texts, stopped coming over. You quit making an effort and started making excuses.
You left me in a tailspin–always wondering what I did wrong, why I wasn't good enough for you to stay.
And that's why I hate missing you. I hate it so much it makes me want to scream.
I shouldn't miss you. You don't deserve for me to still care about you.
I tell myself that I'm just romanticizing memories, and maybe I am a little. I convince myself that maybe the good things weren't real and that I only believed what I wanted to about you.
Maybe all you ever wanted was to bide your time with me until something better came along. Maybe you actually did care about me and you just screwed up. Maybe you wish you could take it all back.
But that's the problem–I'll never know because broken trust can't be fixed.
I know nothing about us was simple. And deep down I know that the damage that was done can't be repaired, but I really wish that it could.
I wish that it could be that simple. I wish that "sorry" could erase everything that happened.
But it can't. So I'll just wish that I stop missing you instead.
For more from rc, visit her writer's page here.
